Hello again

I’m back! Sounds very dramatic, like an actor that’s been on hiatus or a deity after a fortnight in the Costa Del Sol, but in reality its just me and the intermittent r key.

Its been a while, too long in reality and I should do this more but sometimes I find it hard to write even though life provides plenty of ….. I can’t even think of the word for it right now. Seriously I can’t think of the word. I write this and still can’t thinlk of it. Moment please, I need to find this word, light a smoke and find a viable tune. Maybe then it’ll start to flow in the right way.

Goyte – Somebody I used to know

The original is beguiling. In the video Kimbra does this maneuver that is stunningly seductive. Feline in nature, it’s better than a lot of porn I’ve seen. Ladies learn from this. Gents, get ready with the rewind button. It’s a thing of stunning beauty musically and visually.

Ammunition! It’s not the right word but still viable. I still can’t think of the word.

So I just came back from Ireland and it was a wicked trip. I spoke to a friend who said “write more” in a loud, angry and correct voice. He was, and remains, right. I should write more and this trip has provided the impetus to do so. So I shall. This is what’s known in the business as a “shitty filler piece cause I have nothing better to say but I needed to write something but bear with me and I’ll get back to you soon”. Well I believe that’s the technical term.

All I need to do now is remember the fucking log in details and we’re rockin. (Side bar: If you are reading this I’ve obviously remembered the login details so please don’t fret about the above statement. It was meant only in a slightly comedic way and also frankly to fill space. The good news is that this means I can post more shit very soon.)

More to come soon peeps.

Yummmmmmmmmmmmy

Bacon.

Yup, just bacon.

I know what you’re thinking. Holy shit man that is literary genius. I understand you thoughts my friend. In it’s own right the line itself is awesomeness personified. “Bacon”. It’ll probably be ranked along side the great lines of past tomes. “Call me Ishmael”, “Once upon a time”. It’s amazing what joys and horrors the internet holds. I just moog’d opening lines, great books and got 217 millions hits. Now, I don’t know everything (though I have claimed to more than once) but I know there are more shitty lists on the net than great books.

Anyway, I digress. I have tangentially gone where it’s irrelevant. Again. I do that you see. I regularly go to places unseen and that shouldn’t be visited. I do that because I’m a pisshead. It’s sad but true, I can only right this shit when I’m under the influence. I know the word is write, I was just checking to make sure you’re paying attention.

Please go to Youtube. Hans Zimmer, Crimson Tide, 1^st hit, play it. Very loud (remember Dave). What I’m about to say requires suitable theme music. And Mr. Zimmer is very good at what he does. I’m listening to it now and I just got a semi. Listen to that shit. It’s fuckin awe inspiring. Gods probably fuck to a soundtrack like this. Gods ahev good tast in tunes.

Sorry. As usual I’ve been sidetracked by fantasticness. You should be used to it by now. Back to the thingy. BACON.

My Jewish and Muslim friends please stop reading now. Your faith will be tested, strained and eventually broken. This is not my wish. Bacon has the power to do this. It is all encompassing and ever powerful. In the Star Wars universe bacon exceeds the power of the force. So, if your faith is non bacon based I suggest you stop reading now. In fact, if you are a non bacon believer, please fuck off. You and your faith are wrong. Don’t try to get all jihadish on me either cause the bacon believers will hunt you down. Point made.

Just listening to Hot Chip again. Wow. Zimmer is wicked but this is unique.

Fuck me, that’s the longest intro to a pile of shite I’ve ever seen. Don’t expect some Joyce, Tolkien, Douglas Adams brilliance after this, it’s just gonna be my usual shite.

Sorry peeps the jungle drums just started banging. Apparently in my friends warped mind it’s pub o’clock. It’s currently 8:29am. I must away and do my hair and nails. I shall return in the morning and discuss the most important topic ever. Bacon.

Peace.

Pranking

This is not the Asian version of planking because we all know that’s a thing of the past. No, this is the art of playing pranks on your friends, associates or random twats you meet. A good prank is a thing of beauty and as my mate John Keats said “A thing of beauty is a joy forever”. A smart man was Mr. Keats. Anyway, a good prank should be fun for all involved and nobody should get hurt, physically or emotionally. If in doubt don’t cross that line, friendships have been destroyed and wars started over bad pranks. Well, the friends part is true, I don’t think shooting Archduke Ferdinand was a prank.

Living Colour - Middle Man

Not a very well known band, but they make awesome tunes

I shall relate two awesome pranking incidents to you because both are fucking funny, simple in their execution but beautiful in their result.

The first took place in the pub on a random Friday night. My mate Damen (behave Damen, he’s a Scouser) joined us for a few libations and while using the facilities left his phone on the table. Silly Damen. So after relieving himself Damen returns to the table and engages me in conversation. I can’t remember the exact content but being Friday, with many beers on board, I’m sure we were solving the worlds problems and Ban Ki Moon was about to call with another.

Five minutes into the chat Damen’s phone does the “deet deet” of incoming SMS and he checks it. He looks perplexed, excuses himself from the table and disappears for 15 minutes. When he returns he asks to borrow me for a minute, pulls me aside and shows me the message.

The sender is Royal Thai Police and the body of text goes something like “Last name, Damen, D.O.B. English #443-098 Caucasian, 39## Liverpool, Bangkok, 55^*# Detain” I look at him and say What’s this about? He replies I don’t fuckin know, I thought you could help me. At this stage it took everything I had not to laugh. I looked him dead in the eye and said Shit man, I have no idea.

Now some of you will think, what a prick. But, this was a prank and he had taken the bait so I waited. He then proceeded to tell me he’d spoken to his P.A., she had called the cops to find out more, then called his firm’s lawyer to get his advice. At this stage I thought I should clue him in so I looked at him and smiled. It took a few seconds to dawn on him, he smiled, said “You’re a cunt” and then broke his arse laughing. I cracked up too, gave him a hug and apologized.

I have to admit that when he mentioned his P.A. and the lawyer I thought, “Shit, this is going all wrong” but he took it well. After recovering and calling the assistant to clear it up (luckily I’ve never met her because I think she’d kill me) he complimented me on the best prank he’d ever been party too and asked how I’d done it. The answer is brilliantly simple, if I say so myself.

When he went for a piss I changed my name in his phone to Royal Thai Police. I then typed the message on my phone to send to him and waited. When he returned I engaged in chat and after the necessary 5 mins hit the send button. He gets the message, never suspects me because we’ve been chatting and the rest is history.

I’ve used this one since then and it went down a treat. The guy actually called the number (mine) and I answered in my best Thai accent. The best part was that I was in front of the pub and he was out back and I could see his face as he called me. He nearly shit himself.

Afro Celt Sound System - Release

Wicked name for a band that mixes Irish pipes with Afro beats. This one features Sinead O'Connor and she can sing properly good. I met her 20 odd years ago and was struck dumb by her beauty. It's not often I'm stuck for words as you well know.

This prank is easily executed and the results are funny. However, it works best on people that have something to worry about, especially your cocky mate that thinks his shit doesn’t stink. Trying this on your mate that never puts a foot wrong may work, but doing it to a guy with 7 parking tickets or a penchant for public nudity is guaranteed to get his starfish twitching.

If your friend knows your number well you can be found out immediately. Smartphones complicate things but can add new dimensions. If they have a smartphone with your pic attached to your number then attempting this is pointless. Unless you have the balls (and time) to download and attach the FBI / IRS / Scotland Yard logo instead of your mug. A link to the relevant website is beautiful icing. Adding GPS co-ordinates, which they can check, showing your current location doubles the sphincter factor.

Next installment details another beautiful prank that lasted a week.

The Interweb

Powerful it is. Everywhere it is. Surrounds us it does. Now that is some serious Jedi style shit but it’s all true. The web surrounds us, encompasses us and today it is a huge part of all our lives. There is only one person I know that has never used the web to find porn because he has never used the web. Mind boggling I know, but he still has voice activated email, so technically he’s a step ahead of the rest of us. I call him techno man. His email is sentient. The beginnings of Skynet? I don’t think so and I really hope not, but that is a discussion for another day.

Eric B. & Rakim - Paid in Full

Old school brilliance.

Jay Z – Roc Boys

New school wickedness

The net. It’s very powerful. In a world where permits and licenses are required for almost everything, TV’s and cars included, we give free access to the most powerful thing possible. We have to fill in forms to enter a country, get a license to drive a car, give a complete family history to get health insurance but jump on a computer and you have the net at you fingertips. I think that’s folly and the governments of the world should police it like they do to everything else that’s fun.

Fuck PIPA and SOPA, they are ridiculous, shot sighted and proof that politicians are fucking useless. But we all know that. Again, a discussion for another day.

I propose a testing system to get net access. In a society that requires beer to have a warning not to operate heavy machinery, this seems like a sensible option. Think about it, the answers will appear on the net and go viral and the tool that fails won’t even get to see them.

It’ll be a simple test. Multiple choice followed by an essay with weighted answers.

Questions like “Do you love cats and videos about them?”

A)      yes, I looooooove them (-100)

B)      sometimes they are funny (-25)

C)      not really (0)

D)      I’m a dog person (+25)

Before you cat people get on my case, I’m a dog man, fuck off, start your own blog.

Another question would be:

“Are you a fuckin eejit?” Now most of you will know the answer to this one, but you’d be amazed how many people would fail and it’s an immediate loss of all net privileges. If someone can’t answer this one then they have no business being on the web.

“Do you believe all your Facebook friends are real friends?”

A)      Yes (-100)

B)      No (0)

C)      What the fuck is Facebook? (+100)

“Are you from Nigeria?”

A)      yes (immediate fail, never allowed to take the test again)

B)      No (sub question, “Will you pretend to be from Nigeria?” immediate fail on a yes)

C)      Where is Nigeria? (-25, gat an atlas dickhead)

D)      What’s Nigeria? (-100) 419, Callll nowww!

“In a chat room with “Fairy Princess 22” and “she” asks to meet you at the mall. Do you:

A)      meet “her” (-100)

B)      agree to meet and then stand her up (-25, said Princess is a 46 year old man with disposable income and no life, you are at a disadvantage)

C)      tell you mom or dad (+25) smart move

D)      Get FP22’s email, home address, phone number and photo then post all these details to hacker forums (+100)

Jovanotti – L’ombelico del mondo

It’s in Italian! (If you get this joke, you’re giggling now. If you don’t, I’m sorry, please keep reading in a somber manner). Anyway, this is some seriously happy shit. Make it loud and start dancing.

This is the general gist of it. In reality it’s never going to happen, I know that (because I know everything! I have the net) but it’s a lighter look at how a powerful tool can get into the hands of morons. I just googled ‘powerful tool’. Childish but I had to. Fnar Fnar.

Along time ago.....

If you haven’t seen Star Wars you’re either

Exceptionally young, in which case you shouldn’t be reading this.

Blind. Bummer dude, it’s awesome.

A time traveler. It’ll be shit for you cause you can travel through time.

An alien. You’re probably in Star Wars!

Just plain stupid. How you got this far astounds me.

Anyway, Star Wars is awesome. I know George Lucas sold his soul to the devil in return for merchandising. He invented Jar Jar Binks (cunt) and the ewoks. Geroge, personal note to you. You could have been a god but the almighty dollar stole your mojo. You are a dumbass.

The original trilogy (parts 4, 5 & 6) are the shit. The new ones have great special effects but the story is lacking and shitty characters are introduced to sell more Happy Meals.

It’s so simple. Farm boy (Luke) lives with aunt and uncle. Dreams of big things. Acquires 2 droids. One has a mission, find old geezer. He finds old geezer, must make inter galactic trip to save a princess. Old geezer is Jedi knight. Teaches Luke some shit. Find largest ever battle station (Death Star). Escape certain death. Rescue princess. Escape dramatically. Old geezer dies. Go back and destroy Death Star. Get medals, cue the theme music.

Sounds good right? It is good, but imagine it from Luke’s perspective.

1. You’re a farmer.
2. You live on a desert planet with 2 suns. Must be pretty fucking hot.
3. Save hot Princess, but can’t fuck her cause she’s your sister.
4. Your best mate shags her instead.
5. Best mate is more handsome / funnier / much cooler than you. And he has the fastest ship in the galaxy.
6. His best mate is a 7 foot tall hairy dude that could kill you in an instant.
7. Dad is second most evil guy in the universe. He works for the most evil guy.

Not looking so good from Luke’s point of view. But then it gets worse.

1. Little green dude steals his sausage.
2. Dad cuts off his hand.
3. Becomes a Jedi knight (super cool) and gets the shittest hair cut in the galaxy! What’s that shit about. A super awesome Jedi dude with mega powers and this twat can’t find a barber.
4. Dad dies in his arms but says sorry first, so is forgiven for killing billions of people. Yes, billions, remember Alderaan?

Reality actually follows the movie. Han Solo (cool and funny rogue that shags Luke’s sister) is played by Harrison Ford. He becomes the largest box office grossing actor of the eighties, is also known as Indiana Jones and is still making movies.

Luke Skywalker is played by Mark Hamill. Ever heard of him?

The return of Bilbo and Frodo

On another occasion Bilbo and Frodo came to see me in Prague. We’re sitting in the pub with me, my boss (Pierce) and a bunch of salesmen. All of these guys are arguing over who is the best without actually getting anywhere. It goes on and on and frankly we’re getting bored.

Pierce turns to Frodo:

Pierce: So what do you do?

Frodo: I’m a scientist.

Pierce: Are you any good?

Frodo: I’m OK

Pierce: I asked you a fucking question. Are you any good?

Frodo: Well, there are five, possibly six people in the world better than me.

Pierce (stunned): Well…. That’s pretty fuckin good!

End of conversation. Fifteen salesmen sitting there, with their tails between their legs. Good work Frodo.

U2 - Beautiful day

It just makes you feel really good. Me and Bilbo met Bono one night. Bilbo’s brother Nougat asked later “what did you say to him?” Bilbo replied “Hey Bono, pass me my jacket”

On another occasion me and Bilbo go out for a few bevvys and then hit a club. We’re not into clubbing but the pub was closed so it was the only beer option available. So there we are settling into our drinks, trying to find some hot fanny and failing miserably. Next thing we know my ex is there with her new beau. This wasn’t a huge problem, we exchanged glances and everyone went about their business. Except for one of new beau’s mates. He decided he was a hard man and it was time for me to get a slap.

Children! Fighting is bad. Only silly boys fight and it really is a childish thing to do. However, sometimes these things happen so here is my advice in three handy steps.

Talk. Try to talk it out. If that means swallowing your pride as opposed to his fist then eat that shit up. Pride tastes a whole lot better than a knuckle sandwich.

Walk. If the talking didn’t work then walk away. Be aware, some twats will try to hit you as you leave so back up then walk away. Walking may turn into running. Some might suggest this is a pussy maneuver, but they are full of shit. I’ve run from fights because I feared for my life and didn’t want the ever loving shit beat outta me. They don’t run in movies because they have a script. Life doesn’t have a script, so if it’s run o’clock, lace up your Nike’s and get the fuck outta Dodge.

Fight. This is the very last option and shouldn’t be engaged in lightly. Sadly these days there is no honour so if you’re in a pub brawl expect bottles, glasses and odds of 3 against 1. I was bottled by a guy recently and it wasn’t fun. It was more fun for me than him though. Silly Englishman. The worst part is that even if you win the cops will probably show up and you’re back in the shit. We should bring back dueling, that’d be fucking wicked.

There is a good chance you’ll get throttled, but if you’ve followed my drinking mantra you won’t feel too bad until the morning.

Back to the story. This dude now wants to kick six colours of shit outta me. Needless to say, I’m not really into that plan so we have reached an impasse. In steps Bilbo, buys this dude a beer and gives him an eager ear to listen to his woes. Bilbo suggests I get a cab so I exit and head home. Being in the state I am I, head back to Bilbo’s to see who’s there, have a few more beers and pass out on the sofa.

I wake up in the early a.m., grab a coke and a smoke and turn on the box. Ten minutes later Bilbo stumbles in the door looking like a piece of shit. He looks at me and giggles, I giggle and then we break down into a laughing fit for ten minutes. He proceeds to tell me that the dickhead in the club just wanted to kill me. Bilbo disagreed with this so challenged said dickhead’s manhood through his drinking ability. They went back to the dude’s friends house and proceeded to prove their manliness.

Bilbo tried the whisky route but dickhead was still talking about killing me. Left with little in the way of options, Bilbo kicked it up a notch and opened a bottle of Tequila. When the bottle was dry dickhead was unconscious, upside down in a chair and Bilbo got a cab. Good work Bilbo.

That’s not the only time Bilbo has bailed me out of a scrap. Those of you that know me understand I have an opinion on everything. I’m always right, especially when I’m drinking.

Green Day – Are we the waiting

I saw these guys in Bangkok and they were fucking awesome. A wall of sound but it wasn’t noise. This was my son’s first concert and the mosh pit scared him shitless. He’s a fairly solid young lad so he looked at me and I said wade in buddy. He didn’t like that plan so I waded in. I realized the next morning that I’m far too old for shit like that. I was hurting badly.

My mates

Rather large last night, many beers, a few rounds of shooters finished off with pints of vodka. Liver ain’t happy, but I’m currently interviewing for a new one so I’ll have the last laugh there.

The 2 Live Crew – Banned in the USA

The first group to be banned in the US. These guys can’t sing, can’t play and they are complete idiots. But this tune has a wicked beat. You’ve never heard of them but you know the tune “Oh me so horny”. That’s them.

I have a couple of great friends in Ireland (and they only cost $10 a month!) that are, for want of a better word, lunatics. These guys are intelligent, hard working people with families, but the reason I love them is because they are pissheads. These guys can give the Oxford debate team a run for their money, but only when they’re hammered. My relationship with them is kinda like a Tarantino movie. I’m not always sure where it’s going, the dialogue is unique, but I always walk away feeling good and questioning life and the universe.

Now, that shit might sound a bit sappy but allow me to explain. What follows are a few examples of discussions / adventures / arguments that we have been party to. It probably doesn’t need to be explained, but for the record these all happened while consuming beverage. To protect the guilty I’ve changed their names to Bilbo and Frodo, but mainly I changed them because it’ll annoy the shit outta them. Revenge is a dish best served cold, fuckers!

Some of these take place around Mrs Mc’s kitchen table. You don’t know her but she’s a legend, a second mother to me. It must be noted that like all Irish mothers Mrs Mc is part chef, nurse, psychiatrist and ninja. She can beat the shit outta anybody but will dress the wounds, prove to them it was their own fault and make them a cup of tea.

So we’re sitting around the table one day and the subject turns to traffic. A suggested solution to bad drivers, offered by Bilbo, is incendiary ferrets. Yes, you read that right. Incendiary ferrets.

Stripped _ Depeche Mode

The original kings of synth pop, theses guys actually became rock stars. This is one of a number of wicked tracks from them. Make it loud.

The premise is very simple. Every car is fitted with a wheel mounted Ferret (Incendiary Mk IV) Launching System©. Each vehicle also has a touchscreen voting system, kinda like a GPS unit. The system displays nearby vehicles that may have committed a traffic violation and/or been just rude fuckers. You may then choose to vote for that vehicle. Once a vehicle has committed a number of offences the FLS© engages. I can’t remember the number we agreed on, but I know it was a variable, so some days 6 offences might be OK but on others it’d be 3. That keeps fuckers on their toes.

Once the FLS© is engaged it fires a flaming ferret (napalm covered, I believe) into the face of the offending driver. Now, the prudent and anal amongst you will have a number of problems with this idea. Fuck right off! It isn’t meant to be a proper solution to traffic management. I mean, think about it logically, how would the ferret survive for months inside the steering wheel?

The nasty people out there will think, “Why don’t I just vote for everybody?” And to be fair that was my first question. However, the system only allows votes for actual offenders and if you vote every time it’s offered your FLS© will eventually fire on you.

So maybe now you understand the caliber of my friends. They’re fuckin nuts.