Pranking

This is not the Asian version of planking because we all know that’s a thing of the past. No, this is the art of playing pranks on your friends, associates or random twats you meet. A good prank is a thing of beauty and as my mate John Keats said “A thing of beauty is a joy forever”. A smart man was Mr. Keats. Anyway, a good prank should be fun for all involved and nobody should get hurt, physically or emotionally. If in doubt don’t cross that line, friendships have been destroyed and wars started over bad pranks. Well, the friends part is true, I don’t think shooting Archduke Ferdinand was a prank.

Living Colour - Middle Man

Not a very well known band, but they make awesome tunes

I shall relate two awesome pranking incidents to you because both are fucking funny, simple in their execution but beautiful in their result.

The first took place in the pub on a random Friday night. My mate Damen (behave Damen, he’s a Scouser) joined us for a few libations and while using the facilities left his phone on the table. Silly Damen. So after relieving himself Damen returns to the table and engages me in conversation. I can’t remember the exact content but being Friday, with many beers on board, I’m sure we were solving the worlds problems and Ban Ki Moon was about to call with another.

Five minutes into the chat Damen’s phone does the “deet deet” of incoming SMS and he checks it. He looks perplexed, excuses himself from the table and disappears for 15 minutes. When he returns he asks to borrow me for a minute, pulls me aside and shows me the message.

The sender is Royal Thai Police and the body of text goes something like “Last name, Damen, D.O.B. English #443-098 Caucasian, 39## Liverpool, Bangkok, 55^*# Detain” I look at him and say What’s this about? He replies I don’t fuckin know, I thought you could help me. At this stage it took everything I had not to laugh. I looked him dead in the eye and said Shit man, I have no idea.

Now some of you will think, what a prick. But, this was a prank and he had taken the bait so I waited. He then proceeded to tell me he’d spoken to his P.A., she had called the cops to find out more, then called his firm’s lawyer to get his advice. At this stage I thought I should clue him in so I looked at him and smiled. It took a few seconds to dawn on him, he smiled, said “You’re a cunt” and then broke his arse laughing. I cracked up too, gave him a hug and apologized.

I have to admit that when he mentioned his P.A. and the lawyer I thought, “Shit, this is going all wrong” but he took it well. After recovering and calling the assistant to clear it up (luckily I’ve never met her because I think she’d kill me) he complimented me on the best prank he’d ever been party too and asked how I’d done it. The answer is brilliantly simple, if I say so myself.

When he went for a piss I changed my name in his phone to Royal Thai Police. I then typed the message on my phone to send to him and waited. When he returned I engaged in chat and after the necessary 5 mins hit the send button. He gets the message, never suspects me because we’ve been chatting and the rest is history.

I’ve used this one since then and it went down a treat. The guy actually called the number (mine) and I answered in my best Thai accent. The best part was that I was in front of the pub and he was out back and I could see his face as he called me. He nearly shit himself.

Afro Celt Sound System - Release

Wicked name for a band that mixes Irish pipes with Afro beats. This one features Sinead O'Connor and she can sing properly good. I met her 20 odd years ago and was struck dumb by her beauty. It's not often I'm stuck for words as you well know.

This prank is easily executed and the results are funny. However, it works best on people that have something to worry about, especially your cocky mate that thinks his shit doesn’t stink. Trying this on your mate that never puts a foot wrong may work, but doing it to a guy with 7 parking tickets or a penchant for public nudity is guaranteed to get his starfish twitching.

If your friend knows your number well you can be found out immediately. Smartphones complicate things but can add new dimensions. If they have a smartphone with your pic attached to your number then attempting this is pointless. Unless you have the balls (and time) to download and attach the FBI / IRS / Scotland Yard logo instead of your mug. A link to the relevant website is beautiful icing. Adding GPS co-ordinates, which they can check, showing your current location doubles the sphincter factor.

Next installment details another beautiful prank that lasted a week.

The Interweb

Powerful it is. Everywhere it is. Surrounds us it does. Now that is some serious Jedi style shit but it’s all true. The web surrounds us, encompasses us and today it is a huge part of all our lives. There is only one person I know that has never used the web to find porn because he has never used the web. Mind boggling I know, but he still has voice activated email, so technically he’s a step ahead of the rest of us. I call him techno man. His email is sentient. The beginnings of Skynet? I don’t think so and I really hope not, but that is a discussion for another day.

Eric B. & Rakim - Paid in Full

Old school brilliance.

Jay Z – Roc Boys

New school wickedness

The net. It’s very powerful. In a world where permits and licenses are required for almost everything, TV’s and cars included, we give free access to the most powerful thing possible. We have to fill in forms to enter a country, get a license to drive a car, give a complete family history to get health insurance but jump on a computer and you have the net at you fingertips. I think that’s folly and the governments of the world should police it like they do to everything else that’s fun.

Fuck PIPA and SOPA, they are ridiculous, shot sighted and proof that politicians are fucking useless. But we all know that. Again, a discussion for another day.

I propose a testing system to get net access. In a society that requires beer to have a warning not to operate heavy machinery, this seems like a sensible option. Think about it, the answers will appear on the net and go viral and the tool that fails won’t even get to see them.

It’ll be a simple test. Multiple choice followed by an essay with weighted answers.

Questions like “Do you love cats and videos about them?”

A)      yes, I looooooove them (-100)

B)      sometimes they are funny (-25)

C)      not really (0)

D)      I’m a dog person (+25)

Before you cat people get on my case, I’m a dog man, fuck off, start your own blog.

Another question would be:

“Are you a fuckin eejit?” Now most of you will know the answer to this one, but you’d be amazed how many people would fail and it’s an immediate loss of all net privileges. If someone can’t answer this one then they have no business being on the web.

“Do you believe all your Facebook friends are real friends?”

A)      Yes (-100)

B)      No (0)

C)      What the fuck is Facebook? (+100)

“Are you from Nigeria?”

A)      yes (immediate fail, never allowed to take the test again)

B)      No (sub question, “Will you pretend to be from Nigeria?” immediate fail on a yes)

C)      Where is Nigeria? (-25, gat an atlas dickhead)

D)      What’s Nigeria? (-100) 419, Callll nowww!

“In a chat room with “Fairy Princess 22” and “she” asks to meet you at the mall. Do you:

A)      meet “her” (-100)

B)      agree to meet and then stand her up (-25, said Princess is a 46 year old man with disposable income and no life, you are at a disadvantage)

C)      tell you mom or dad (+25) smart move

D)      Get FP22’s email, home address, phone number and photo then post all these details to hacker forums (+100)

Jovanotti – L’ombelico del mondo

It’s in Italian! (If you get this joke, you’re giggling now. If you don’t, I’m sorry, please keep reading in a somber manner). Anyway, this is some seriously happy shit. Make it loud and start dancing.

This is the general gist of it. In reality it’s never going to happen, I know that (because I know everything! I have the net) but it’s a lighter look at how a powerful tool can get into the hands of morons. I just googled ‘powerful tool’. Childish but I had to. Fnar Fnar.

Along time ago.....

If you haven’t seen Star Wars you’re either

Exceptionally young, in which case you shouldn’t be reading this.

Blind. Bummer dude, it’s awesome.

A time traveler. It’ll be shit for you cause you can travel through time.

An alien. You’re probably in Star Wars!

Just plain stupid. How you got this far astounds me.

Anyway, Star Wars is awesome. I know George Lucas sold his soul to the devil in return for merchandising. He invented Jar Jar Binks (cunt) and the ewoks. Geroge, personal note to you. You could have been a god but the almighty dollar stole your mojo. You are a dumbass.

The original trilogy (parts 4, 5 & 6) are the shit. The new ones have great special effects but the story is lacking and shitty characters are introduced to sell more Happy Meals.

It’s so simple. Farm boy (Luke) lives with aunt and uncle. Dreams of big things. Acquires 2 droids. One has a mission, find old geezer. He finds old geezer, must make inter galactic trip to save a princess. Old geezer is Jedi knight. Teaches Luke some shit. Find largest ever battle station (Death Star). Escape certain death. Rescue princess. Escape dramatically. Old geezer dies. Go back and destroy Death Star. Get medals, cue the theme music.

Sounds good right? It is good, but imagine it from Luke’s perspective.

1. You’re a farmer.
2. You live on a desert planet with 2 suns. Must be pretty fucking hot.
3. Save hot Princess, but can’t fuck her cause she’s your sister.
4. Your best mate shags her instead.
5. Best mate is more handsome / funnier / much cooler than you. And he has the fastest ship in the galaxy.
6. His best mate is a 7 foot tall hairy dude that could kill you in an instant.
7. Dad is second most evil guy in the universe. He works for the most evil guy.

Not looking so good from Luke’s point of view. But then it gets worse.

1. Little green dude steals his sausage.
2. Dad cuts off his hand.
3. Becomes a Jedi knight (super cool) and gets the shittest hair cut in the galaxy! What’s that shit about. A super awesome Jedi dude with mega powers and this twat can’t find a barber.
4. Dad dies in his arms but says sorry first, so is forgiven for killing billions of people. Yes, billions, remember Alderaan?

Reality actually follows the movie. Han Solo (cool and funny rogue that shags Luke’s sister) is played by Harrison Ford. He becomes the largest box office grossing actor of the eighties, is also known as Indiana Jones and is still making movies.

Luke Skywalker is played by Mark Hamill. Ever heard of him?