The return of Bilbo and Frodo

On another occasion Bilbo and Frodo came to see me in Prague. We’re sitting in the pub with me, my boss (Pierce) and a bunch of salesmen. All of these guys are arguing over who is the best without actually getting anywhere. It goes on and on and frankly we’re getting bored.

Pierce turns to Frodo:

Pierce: So what do you do?

Frodo: I’m a scientist.

Pierce: Are you any good?

Frodo: I’m OK

Pierce: I asked you a fucking question. Are you any good?

Frodo: Well, there are five, possibly six people in the world better than me.

Pierce (stunned): Well…. That’s pretty fuckin good!

End of conversation. Fifteen salesmen sitting there, with their tails between their legs. Good work Frodo.

U2 - Beautiful day

It just makes you feel really good. Me and Bilbo met Bono one night. Bilbo’s brother Nougat asked later “what did you say to him?” Bilbo replied “Hey Bono, pass me my jacket”

On another occasion me and Bilbo go out for a few bevvys and then hit a club. We’re not into clubbing but the pub was closed so it was the only beer option available. So there we are settling into our drinks, trying to find some hot fanny and failing miserably. Next thing we know my ex is there with her new beau. This wasn’t a huge problem, we exchanged glances and everyone went about their business. Except for one of new beau’s mates. He decided he was a hard man and it was time for me to get a slap.

Children! Fighting is bad. Only silly boys fight and it really is a childish thing to do. However, sometimes these things happen so here is my advice in three handy steps.

Talk. Try to talk it out. If that means swallowing your pride as opposed to his fist then eat that shit up. Pride tastes a whole lot better than a knuckle sandwich.

Walk. If the talking didn’t work then walk away. Be aware, some twats will try to hit you as you leave so back up then walk away. Walking may turn into running. Some might suggest this is a pussy maneuver, but they are full of shit. I’ve run from fights because I feared for my life and didn’t want the ever loving shit beat outta me. They don’t run in movies because they have a script. Life doesn’t have a script, so if it’s run o’clock, lace up your Nike’s and get the fuck outta Dodge.

Fight. This is the very last option and shouldn’t be engaged in lightly. Sadly these days there is no honour so if you’re in a pub brawl expect bottles, glasses and odds of 3 against 1. I was bottled by a guy recently and it wasn’t fun. It was more fun for me than him though. Silly Englishman. The worst part is that even if you win the cops will probably show up and you’re back in the shit. We should bring back dueling, that’d be fucking wicked.

There is a good chance you’ll get throttled, but if you’ve followed my drinking mantra you won’t feel too bad until the morning.

Back to the story. This dude now wants to kick six colours of shit outta me. Needless to say, I’m not really into that plan so we have reached an impasse. In steps Bilbo, buys this dude a beer and gives him an eager ear to listen to his woes. Bilbo suggests I get a cab so I exit and head home. Being in the state I am I, head back to Bilbo’s to see who’s there, have a few more beers and pass out on the sofa.

I wake up in the early a.m., grab a coke and a smoke and turn on the box. Ten minutes later Bilbo stumbles in the door looking like a piece of shit. He looks at me and giggles, I giggle and then we break down into a laughing fit for ten minutes. He proceeds to tell me that the dickhead in the club just wanted to kill me. Bilbo disagreed with this so challenged said dickhead’s manhood through his drinking ability. They went back to the dude’s friends house and proceeded to prove their manliness.

Bilbo tried the whisky route but dickhead was still talking about killing me. Left with little in the way of options, Bilbo kicked it up a notch and opened a bottle of Tequila. When the bottle was dry dickhead was unconscious, upside down in a chair and Bilbo got a cab. Good work Bilbo.

That’s not the only time Bilbo has bailed me out of a scrap. Those of you that know me understand I have an opinion on everything. I’m always right, especially when I’m drinking.

Green Day – Are we the waiting

I saw these guys in Bangkok and they were fucking awesome. A wall of sound but it wasn’t noise. This was my son’s first concert and the mosh pit scared him shitless. He’s a fairly solid young lad so he looked at me and I said wade in buddy. He didn’t like that plan so I waded in. I realized the next morning that I’m far too old for shit like that. I was hurting badly.

My mates

Rather large last night, many beers, a few rounds of shooters finished off with pints of vodka. Liver ain’t happy, but I’m currently interviewing for a new one so I’ll have the last laugh there.

The 2 Live Crew – Banned in the USA

The first group to be banned in the US. These guys can’t sing, can’t play and they are complete idiots. But this tune has a wicked beat. You’ve never heard of them but you know the tune “Oh me so horny”. That’s them.

I have a couple of great friends in Ireland (and they only cost $10 a month!) that are, for want of a better word, lunatics. These guys are intelligent, hard working people with families, but the reason I love them is because they are pissheads. These guys can give the Oxford debate team a run for their money, but only when they’re hammered. My relationship with them is kinda like a Tarantino movie. I’m not always sure where it’s going, the dialogue is unique, but I always walk away feeling good and questioning life and the universe.

Now, that shit might sound a bit sappy but allow me to explain. What follows are a few examples of discussions / adventures / arguments that we have been party to. It probably doesn’t need to be explained, but for the record these all happened while consuming beverage. To protect the guilty I’ve changed their names to Bilbo and Frodo, but mainly I changed them because it’ll annoy the shit outta them. Revenge is a dish best served cold, fuckers!

Some of these take place around Mrs Mc’s kitchen table. You don’t know her but she’s a legend, a second mother to me. It must be noted that like all Irish mothers Mrs Mc is part chef, nurse, psychiatrist and ninja. She can beat the shit outta anybody but will dress the wounds, prove to them it was their own fault and make them a cup of tea.

So we’re sitting around the table one day and the subject turns to traffic. A suggested solution to bad drivers, offered by Bilbo, is incendiary ferrets. Yes, you read that right. Incendiary ferrets.

Stripped _ Depeche Mode

The original kings of synth pop, theses guys actually became rock stars. This is one of a number of wicked tracks from them. Make it loud.

The premise is very simple. Every car is fitted with a wheel mounted Ferret (Incendiary Mk IV) Launching System©. Each vehicle also has a touchscreen voting system, kinda like a GPS unit. The system displays nearby vehicles that may have committed a traffic violation and/or been just rude fuckers. You may then choose to vote for that vehicle. Once a vehicle has committed a number of offences the FLS© engages. I can’t remember the number we agreed on, but I know it was a variable, so some days 6 offences might be OK but on others it’d be 3. That keeps fuckers on their toes.

Once the FLS© is engaged it fires a flaming ferret (napalm covered, I believe) into the face of the offending driver. Now, the prudent and anal amongst you will have a number of problems with this idea. Fuck right off! It isn’t meant to be a proper solution to traffic management. I mean, think about it logically, how would the ferret survive for months inside the steering wheel?

The nasty people out there will think, “Why don’t I just vote for everybody?” And to be fair that was my first question. However, the system only allows votes for actual offenders and if you vote every time it’s offered your FLS© will eventually fire on you.

So maybe now you understand the caliber of my friends. They’re fuckin nuts.

Instruments

I just looked back over the shit I’ve written and it seems weird. Kinda like me but almost as if someone else had written it. Strange. I never realized how much bollox I could spew but now it’s obvious. If you have gotten this far, pat yourself on the back. Enjoy that pat, you deserve it. You’re either a lunatic or Irish (same thing?) but you got this far. Good work.

Bruce Hornsby & the Range – The way it is. This is a wicked tune. If you think it’s weak that’s because you’re young and know nothing about life. It’s brilliant lyrically, and the piano solo is fucking wicked. Listen to it again. If it hurts your ears then go back to the earlier shit I mentioned and start learning. Or fuck off. The choice is yours. The piano solo is wicked.

Did you ever want to learn how to play an instrument? As a kid I never wanted to know, but as a grown man (a childlike grown man some would say) I really wish I knew more about music. I think it would be mega to be able to play something. I listen to the bands in the pub and watch them play and there’s a litllle envy that I can’t do that. I don’t compare myself to them but the ability to play is something that I never wanted as a child. I was given the opportunity but at the time it was a chore and I didn’t want it.

Any young people that are reading this, continue with whatever you are learning now. It will pay massive dividends to you in the future. Knowledge of an instrument is a wonderful gift. Right now, you might think it’s shit, I don’t need it, but trust me on this, in the future it’ll pay dividends. Keep playing and enjoy it.

As Dave once said "Rock on mofo's"