I’ve just thought about the greatest business opportunity ever! Strong words I know, but don’t worry I’m not looking for investment here. This is, without doubt, the single greatest idea in the history of business and my plan is to float it on an exchange ASAP and walk away with a gazillion. That’s a whole lot more than a billion, quite a bit more than a Brazilian, and a tad larger than an Argentinean. In short, it’s a shit load o’dough.
So,I hear you ask, what is this mind blowing, world changing idea? Well, its simplicity and audacity are the core values that will ensure its success. It is the world’s first and only university for henchmen!
Yup, you read that right. Henchman Uni! Now, ladies please don’t be upset, there will be places for ladies and we expect some of our greatest graduates to be of the fairer sex. However, the word is henchman, not henchwoman or even henchlady. This is the desired nomenclature, let’s not stand on ceremony or semantics here. If you hench well your gender is irrelevant. And that is exactly what we wish to promote.
Offspring - Self Esteem
What a bassline. It also seemed appropriate here!
I wanted to use a scientific approach, with graphs, charts and cold hard facts to explain the method behind my madness. However, I’m shit at science. My chemistry teacher dumped me because I’d be the first person ever to fail his class. This was not acceptable to him. Those of you that know me will understand that I only rely on science and logic in rare circumstances. Usually I use bullshit and gibberish, with a slight smattering of volume to make my point. When this fails (as it invariably does) I use more volume. Kinda like Americans. Probably too much TV when I was young
Side Note: Volume is the go-to tool of morons. When they are losing they raise their voice in the vain hope their argument will succeed based on who shouts loudest and not on facts. I am a moron. But I can shout very loud!
The marketing spiel will be something like this.
HenchUni.com © will be the singular place for those in the world that seek an exciting and fulfilling career being a slave to some over ego’d monkey clown with delusions of world domination. Those that wish to follow orders and never be their own master will delight in all that HenchUni © offers.
The core value of HU is to give henchers the ability to deal with that always annoying and never ending supply of Good Guy Hero Types (GGHT). From Bond…. James Bond to John Mc Clane, henchers have been embarrassed, humiliated, injured, laughed at, unlaid, poorly armed (actual guns and good script) and invariably in the end, deaded. Now is the time to seize your future.
HenchUni© is a name only (a good one, right?), it is not an actual university. It gives us credibility and also makes it difficult to sue us, while making you feel comfortable. HU courses are generally run over a 3-4 week rotation. We say “years” because it makes people feel better and after 3-4 “years” of training your imminent death, maiming or belittling doesn’t seem quite so humiliating and/or worthless.)
First year (or freshman year for you of the Yankee persuasion) will cover a variety of courses designed to give a solid foundation in basic henching. Those that qualify (survive) can continue their study in a wide variety of henctastic specialities afterwards.
Pete Townsend - Give Blood
Also seems appropriate and it's a wicked tune. Who? Exactly.
Year 1 includes some of the following courses:
Basic Shooting: Guns, what are they? How to hold a gun and aim it in the general direction of bad (good) guys.
Shooting at boxes, small animals and unidentified sounds. Repeatedly.
Knives: Differentiating between the pointy bit and the handle.
Slashing and stabbing.
Patrolling: Walking back and forth in a menacing way.
Looking: Why it’s important.
Year 2 includes:
Lines: (Oral) If you have a simple one, here’s how to get it right. (Physical) Don’t step on anything that looks like a line, it’ll probably kill you.
Sounds (interior & exterior): They are usually a precursor to death (invariably yours), do not investigate them.
Suits: Where can I get one that fits me? For ladies: Why is my costume so tight and/or impractical? Where will I hide my gun?
Psychology: Why is my boss such a mean person? When is a good time to offer a hug?
Years 3 & 4 offer more advanced techniques to ensure your survival until at least the third act and maybe even the finale. Gary Busey (Lethal Weapon), Darth Vader (Return of the Jedi) and Oddjob (Goldfinger) offer guest lectures to provide you with the in-depth knowledge of famous and revered henchers all of whom have reached the final ten minutes.
So, if you are a foreigner, or different in any way from what is considered normal, apply to HenchUni© today. People with strong, guttural accents are given preference, however, we can teach you how to speak in a strange way even if you speak perfect English. For those with no English skills a course is given in year one in Pidgin English just to make sure the bad (good) guy knows exactly what you’re saying and/or about to do.
Don’t delay, apply to HenchUni© today and increase your odds of surviving for at least seventy minutes.
