One malooga

One malooga, four loogas. If you understand this statement you’re smiling right now. If you don’t you may still be smiling, it’s a funny statement. However, your life is incomplete. The Hunchback Hairball of LA (Big Man on Campus) is a low budget, formulaic, B grade (C grade maybe) movie that just manages to hit all the right notes. It’s a cult classic and if you haven’t seen it then sort that shit out right now. It’s stupid and silly but also very funny.

Rent, download or steal it, but find it. Throw the popcorn in the micro, wait for the ding (or less than that if your microwave is awesome) and then enjoy. I hate to build something up this much because it’s doomed, but this is fuckin funny shit. If you don’t enjoy it, never speak to me again. If you don’t know me, grab a .45 and blow your brains out. If you don’t know what a .45 is, throw yourself off a building or under a truck.

Black Sabbath “Neon Knights”

Old school metal from lunatics. Love this tune, best guitar solo ever. My mother once said “that’s got a great beat” so if it worked for an old Irish woman, it works for everything. Listen to it over and over. It’s got fucking dragons!

Coke. Not the Columbian marching powder, the beverage. It’s awesometastic. Black, bubbly, sweet nectar. Sounds a bit like Halle Berry. Tangent. How come there are very few hot black pornstars? Black chicks can be mega hot so why don’t they do more porn? Black ladies, please tell me. Respond via email with plenty of photos and video if possible. Anyway, Coke is truly brilliant. It has a unique taste that’s indescribable, but it still manages to be wicked. Pepsi can fuck off. I don’t care what anyone says, Coke is the shit. Cures hangovers and can make the whole world sing. Shit should be illegal.

I’ll get to the stories later (I promise) but this is just shite that needs to be said. A random collection of verbage that needs voicing. Feel free to skip this part if your bullshit meter just passed 7. I’d skip it if I were you. Trust me on this, this is a shitty bit. Hopefully one of very few, but still a shitty bit. Right now I’m too lazy to write anything proper. Forgive me please. A lack of willpower is just part of my make up. It’s obvious based on my continued smoking.

The title

I’m still not editing this. I have corrected spelling along the way. Grammar is a whole different ball game. I don’t know the rules, I just try speaka da English. If it doesn’t make complete sense then I’ve accomplished something. This is a glimpse into my brain. If it makes sense to you then you’re doing a much better deciphering job then I am! I don’t know what the fuck is going on half the time. And that’s when I’m sober!

Spell check is a two edged sword. It helps you correct simple mistakes by highlighting errors, but if the word is real it lets it go. This isn’t critical usually, but it could be a disaster.

Tangential: “Of, relating to, or along a tangent: "a tangential line".

I go off on tangents all the time. However the following might make more sense.

Tangenital : When someone is speaking, goes off on a tangent and realises they are talking bollox/balls.

That’s from the Urban Dictionary. I shall explore it a little more and come back with some gems.

“Jailbreak” Thin Lizzy. Phil Lynott was an Irish black dude with a tache. It’s a recipe for disaster but in reality it works fuckin perfectly. This guy was a legend. Get the album “Live and Dangerous”. It’s a lesson in rock, a joy to behold and Phil is heard to ask the famous questions. “Anybody here with any Irish in them? Any of the girls like a little more Irish in them?” Of course they would Phil. All of them. I actually used that line on two occasions. It worked once. I should use it twice more. Tonight maybe.

Sobering up now. Just had 2 Cokes but I really need a bacon sambo. And a beer. Life currently revolves around 2 pressing questions.

1. Should I go back to the pub and refuel?
2. Where can I get a fucking bacon sambo?

These are not in order of priority. They are equally important. Right now they are the only things that matter in the universe. I will devote at least one chapter to bacon because it deserves it. If you are strictly Muslim or Jewish please skip that chapter or prepare to be converted. Wiki says “Bacon is a cured meat prepared from a pig”. It should say “Bacon is Awesometasiclyfuckinmegabrilliant shit. Eat it.”

Bacon is my god.

Time to pray, it’s bacon o’clock.

Smoking

A subject I can definitely talk shite about. Do you remember Death cigarettes? Black packet with a white skull and crossbones on it. How awesome was that shit. Death Lights were in a white pack. They actually said on the pack that if used in the correct manner this product will kill you. Marketing genius.

Yes, if used properly, cigarettes will kill you. So don’t smoke kids, it’s some bad shit. Unless of course you have bad skin, buck teeth, zero confidence and no friends. Basically, if you’re a teenager, smoking opens doors. If you have smokes, you have friends. And it automatically adds 3 points to your coolness. I know it’s shitty. I don’t make the rules, that’s just the way it is. Cool people smoke.

In reality, smoking is a crutch that insecure people hold on to. I can say that because I smoke. My initial crutch is now replaced by an insatiable addiction to nicotine. I don’t mean I smoke a few. I smoke! Far too much, I know, but it makes me cool.

“Bat Outta Hell” Meatloaf

I don’t care what you think and I know it’s maybe a cliché. However, your opinion is wrong. This ain’t a conversation, it’s my rant, a one way street, so listen to what I’m saying. This is a cool song from a cool album. So go listen to it and enjoy.

Non smokers are just a different breed of people. They will never understand what smokers experience. To be fair I can understand that people don’t want smoke in their faces when enjoying a nice steak. I don’t want it either. But persecuting smokers to the point of being social lepers is wrong also. Ban cigarettes! Make them illegal and that’ll force people to quit or at least smoke in secret. Unfortunately it’ll add to the cool factor but at least the non smokers will be happy.

But that will never happen. Because smoking fuels the economy! Your government is happy to tax a product that will kill you. Why? Because it’s a shit load of bread. Add to that the fact that you probably won’t be sucking the tit of the government in later life because you’ll be long dead. Pretty fucking simple.

Anyway, non smokers aren’t the worst. Reformed smokers are just horrible cunts. Not all of them, but a lot. Some ex smokers will always understand the craving, they themselves will crave just a drag. But they know one drag leads to two, two leads to a smoke and a smoke leads to a pack. Pretty soon they’re off the wagon and puffing away like old times.

I feel for these people. They struggle with an addiction but persevere through willpower because they know it’ll kill them. It’s tough but at least they still remember what it was like.

No, the people I hate are the reformed smokers that throw it in your face. The fuckers that sit there, on their high horse, reciting stats and somehow thinking they are better people. Fucking cunts. They suddenly forget that they used to smoke and enjoyed it immensely. Now they feel they are better people, whereas in reality they are sad wankers.

Don’t get me wrong. I salute anyone that gives up smoking, especially if they were heavy/long term users. I respect them for beating an addiction, because it takes strength of will and commitment. What I don’t like is useless fuckers that stay off smokes by pretending they are better than those that continue. I smoke more around people like this just to fucking annoy them.

Remember, smoking adds +3 to your cool factor. Giving up loses you 1 point. You retain 2 points for originally being cooler and then having the balls to give up. Whining like a bitch is an automatic loss of 5 cool points and you don’t retain the 2 like cool ex smokers.

A Note for ex smokers on social class restructuring.

A loss of 7 cool points can lead to a complete change in social class. You could go from “marginally cool/regular person” to “whining fucking bitch that needs a slap” in a few short moments. If you’re a girl your chances of getting laid drop dramatically. If you’re a guy make sure your health insurance card is up to date. I don’t believe in fortune telling but I foresee a trip to A&E (ER to you Yankees) in your near future. Remember this sage advice before embarking on a tirade of shite.

Heroes

The series was OK, season 1 was interesting but season 2 kinda lost it a bit. Anyway, not the series, actual heroes. This might go on for a bit so we’ll break it down into parts.

Part 1. Question asked in the pub last night. “If you needed a bodyguard (let’s not get into why) and you could choose a fictional character, who would it be”. Brilliant pub question but I already knew the answer. It’s pretty simple really. Most people will go with an off the cuff answer like Batman or Superman but they would be shitty bodyguards.

Superman will protect you but he’s a ruggedly handsome dude and he can fly. That means you’re leaving the club alone while flyboy gets his nuts off. Not a good plan.

Batman’s got a wicked car but his alter ego is a handsome billionaire. You are back to jerking off.

The blue dude (too lazy to look up his name) from Watchmen? He’s got serious power but he’s a naked, blue, glowing dude. Not exactly low profile.

Spiderman? He’s a geeky photographer in a crappy suit, but he’s still cooler than you or me. Again it’s welcome to Pamela and her five sisters.

I’m open to suggestions but I believe I’ve got the answer. Obi Wan Kenobi. Not the young good looking Scottish dude. No, No, the old bearded guy from the original Star Wars. He fits the bill perfectly. Yes, I hear you, “but what about the robes?”. Bin the fuckin robes, get him some Levi’s and a shirt and you’re rockin.

Why is he the dude? Pretty simple.

Low profile. He’s a regular man. Doesn’t glow and doesn’t need a silly suit. That’s good.

He’s an old dude with a beard. Fuckers will think he’s your dad and dudes that rock with their pop are cool.

He’s old and wrinkly. Little to no competition when it comes to birds. Unless they’re into that shit, in which case you’re already shit outta luck.

He can beat the shit outta anybody. Imagine the scene, we’ve all been here. You bump into a dude, spill his beer and offer all sorts of apologies. Said dude is a moron and decides it’s punchin time. All hell breaks loose. Now imagine Obi Wan is with you. He could just throw him across the room with a wave of his hand. Or choke him out like a bitch. No. It’s better than that. Dumbass gets his arm chopped off with a fuckin lightsabre!

Please allow me to clarify this point. A lightsabre. The word itself is cool, but it’s actually a laser sword. It doesn’t get much more awesome than that. A fucking laser sword! It’s old school gentleman meets super high tech geek shit. I love guns and weapons in general, morning stars are particularly brilliant, but a lightsabre is pretty hard to beat.

Jedi mind trick. Not only is it the name of a wicked band, but it’s your bog standard jedi party piece. Hard to explain in words so tube it. But the uses of this are almost limitless. Free beer / food / pussy / anything you want. Speeding tickets are a thing of the past. I could go on about this for ages but I’ll leave it to your imagination.

So, I think it’s fair to say Obi Wan (old guy) is a good contender for the “best fictional bodyguard if you required one” category. I await your responses. Somebody suggested Lara Croft last night. Yes, she is capable of defending herself and you and she’s very hot. But you’re never gonna get into her pants. Unless……. You have Obi Wan with you! Boomshackalackaboom.

Genesis 2

Anyway. Back to the shite I originally started. This is a random spiel. It’s not really “about” anything. It’s me, when I can’t sleep, usually after a bunch of booze, writing down shit that never gets edited. I’ve made a promise to myself not to go back, re-read and edit. The shite you’re reading now is pure.

I just wrote that bit and then had to re-read all of the above. I really have no will power. But I promise I didn’t edit any of it.

So, it’s about life. Usually my life but many others will be included. Some are friends, some are just random assholes encountered along this road we call life. Mine has been an interesting one. Lots of fun has been had and I’ve done some crazy shit that others will only ever dream of along the way. It hasn’t always been mega though. There have been some shitty times but as a great man once said “Sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar eats you”.

I have eaten the bar on a number of occasions. However, if we were keeping score I think the bar’s eaten me more. I don’t like to keep score. I do believe that life is a game and I love games. Associated random thought: (Dakkin is wonderful stress relief except for noob tubers. It’s called a noob tube for a reason, noobs use it. New persons, not experienced gaming legends like me and the PIPE. Don’t go there unless you want to be deemed a cunt forever.) Life is different though. You can never “win” the game, nor can you fully “lose” it. You can be winning or losing along the way but it’s how you deal with that that makes you who you are. Whether you are winning or losing doesn’t define you, but how you deal with it does.

That’s some philosophical shite, I know, but I reckon it’s true. If you don’t believe me keep readin the stuff above until you do.

“On the eve of war” Jedi Mind Trick. If the band name and song title don’t already do it for you just tube it. A thing of beauty. Brash, simple, in your face. This ain’t Dave but it’s still brilliant.

I will reference music along the way. Like it or don’t, it’s my taste and some of it is different. Some is very commercial. My mrs laughs at me for some of the girly songs I like, then she hears a truly bizarre track and thinks I’m a loony. She’s right, I am a loony but her taste in music is rubbish so her opinion is invalid. Like it or don’t, but listen to it. Some of it is great stuff.

“The promise” Girls Aloud. Cheryl is hot but the blonde with the short hair can sing. This is just fluffy commercial crap but I like listening to it.

If you don’t like this go back to Jedi Mind Trick.

Anyway, at this stage you’ve realized tangents aren’t just mathematical thingys, I love them. So this is a diatribe. Me pouring out random shite. Thoughts about music, movies and life. I’ll share some stories about me and my friends. The facts won’t always be facts. All great stories are built up from the actual happening to the retelling in the pub to the Chinese whispers that turn a fart into a shart. But that’s how it goes.

If Popeye is in the story, or tells it, the chances of wizards and goblins will increase massively. Harry Potter or Tolkien fans please keep your doofangle in your pants. Expelliarmus. Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit are awesome and Mr. Potter has some great adventures but let’s just leave it there.

These stories will titillate, disgust and enthrall you. But mostly they will defy belief or make you LOL. In most cases the names have been changed to protect the guilty but I will always try to keep myself in them, where relevant. Trust me I’m not proud about a lot of them, but this is about life, strange, weird and beautiful as it is sometimes. A few are about me, some I’ve been a party to and some have been told to me by friends. The overall picture should be a fun one.

There are a series of book called “Hardship Posting” about expats in Asia. It’s a collection of stories about expats (usually guys) living all over Asia and some of the exploits they have been involved in. There are some funny as shit stories in there (buy it), but there are lots that me and my friends think, “Fuck, we did that last Tuesday”.

Some of these events occur over weekends away, all over the world, but a large number are just random Tuesdays in the pub. The best sessions usually occur when no plans have been made and everybody just hits a groove. Booze is flowing, ambience is good and shit just happens. Mostly, funny shit.

“Sympathy for the Devil” Rolling Stones

It will only ever be written when I’m under the influence of alcohol. Sometimes I’ll be transmogrified. Mostly it’ll be the morning after simply because I’ll have better typing skills while still retaining the truth that comes with alcohol. Please note. Alcohol is very bad. It makes you drunk, dance like a retard and get girls pregnant. Kids, don’t drink. Unless you wanna be super cool.

Reading Keith Richards autobiography right now. Get it. It’s not the best written book ever but it’s about a legend. Funny, sad, enlightening, scary and overall it seems to be straight from the heart.

This isn’t Keith Richards life, it’s mine. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I’m enjoying (mostly and currently) living it.

Genesis

5:34a.m. How will I start this? What’s the overall “thingy” with it. Honestly, I have no idea. I can’t sleep, I feel like writing and this is what it is. The dog is looking at me. This is solo, you’ll hear his name a lot. I have 3 dogs in the house but Solo is My dog. Don’t get me wrong, the other 2 are great dogs, but Solo is mine. Anyway, I’ll get back to him later.

Right now it’s half 5 in the morning after a rather large day and I’m awake. Still tired but I just can’t sleep. So, after thinking for a while I thought I’d sit down here at my machine and randomly verbalise my thoughts whilst also regaling you with stories from my past.

Why? I really don’t know. It seemed like a good idea a little while ago lying in bed not sleeping. Right now, it seems like work and my laptop is a pile of shite with an intermittent “r” key. You don’t think the r is that important, but trust me on this, it is.

I may actually just record this because jibbering into a machine is so much easier and more conducive to smoking properly. I think I’ll get a voice recognition program. It’d make life a whole lot easier. Moment please, net o’clock.

Random thought: Just taking out the headphones. In a little pouch type thingy. B&O, yum yum. But. Velcro is a wonderful thing, but it ain’t quiet. When you want to be silent, when noise is not required in any way, don’t have Velcro present. It’s great shit, but quiet isn’t on it’s list of qualities. Thought finished.

“Out at the pictures” by Hot Chip. What an intro.

Misfits. Funny fucking show with a great soundtrack.

Just got a huge list of voice recognition stuff on the Google. 588,000 hits. That’s a lot. So I’m back here. Bored already and I haven’t even looked at any of them. Hot Chip sidetracked me. I’m now tubeing tunes. A strange mix of the good, the bad, and the truly strange. You’ll learn pretty soon that I have very varied taste in music. Some you’ll like, some you’ll hate, but whatever your thoughts make it loud. All good music is better loud.

Dave is a perfect example. Old school, strings and shit. Old people love him. But, volume adds so much more to music, depth is what it’s all about. Most of you will know him as Beethoven. Some will claim his first name is Ludwig. It’s not. His name is Dave and this is an historical fact. If you don’t believe me just ask Bill & Ted.

Now hitting some different stuff. Rick Wakeman, him of Yes fame. Keyboards and a prolific beard. I know he sounds like a paedo but he does make some great tunes. Not for everyone I agree but Statue of Justice is a mega tune. White Rock also. If you don’t like his shit, that’s fine. But remember he played a lot of his stuff on a mini moog. Not a guitar, piano or violin, a moog. Moog moog moog. It’s just awesome. If you disagree, no problem, but you’re wrong. Say the word moog out loud 5 or 6 times. Now you’re smiling. Google should be called moog. Mooging something sounds so much better than googling. If ever a useless word deserved to be in wider mainstream use, it’s moog. I think I’ll start a website.

Fuck! Moog.com is gone. Moog Inc. is a worldwide designer, manufacturer, and integrator of precision motion control products and systems. Moog’s high-performance systems control military and commercial aircraft, satellites and space vehicles, launch vehicles, missiles, industrial machinery, wind energy, marine applications, and medical equipment.

Military, satellites, space, missiles, this is all good shit, but they stole my website. The worst part is I now want to work for them. Chances of a job there for me? Pretty fuckin low I reckon. Jimmy Hoffa and Shergar will be found quicker.