Beer

That’s a very simple title for an exceptionally complex subject. Luckily I’m Irish so I’m fully qualified to wax lyrical on the subject of alcohol, especially beer. Some of you will disagree with what I say and that is your prerogative. However, it’s my blog, so shut the fuck up for the moment and read. Maybe a tune will help.

Snow Patrol – Just say yes

This is fucking music. Not really great music, a tune to fuck to. Wicked.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vW1hv37imjw

So, back to beer. Ireland is famous for Guinness. Probably because it’s black gold, wrapped in glass and it proves you are a man. The simple thing about beer is that nobody loves their first one. We graduate from being kids, drinking sugar water (Coke is still awesome, pair with a bacon sambo and there’s a high chance of shooting a load in your pants) to being (or trying to be!) adults drinking big boy drinks. They say Guinness is an acquired taste but the fact of the matter is alcohol is an acquired taste. Nobody enjoyed their first beer. They drank it to be a man/ be cool/ impress their friends/ or just fit in. Life is tough and your first tasty adult beverage is a milestone. Usually not a tasty one. The good news for any younglings reading this (STOP!, this is adult stuff) is that beer just gets better and better.

I’m speaking specifically about beer now because this is how most people graduate to booze. I will later address super big boy drinks, whiskey, vodka, gin and pint measures of those, but for the moment it’s all about beer.

Younglings, allow me to give you sage advice. In reality you will find almost nothing valuable in these pages, but heed these words. Alcohol isn’t about how much you can drink or who drinks the most. It’s about having a good time. I can’t stress this enough. When you’re puking your guts up in a cop shop nobody gives a fuck if you had the most booze. You might believe you have gigantic titanium balls (I thought that too) but walk into our bar and you will fall out the door carrying your balls and a badly bruised ego.

Leona Lewis – Run

I’m in a Snow Patrol mood. This is their tune but reimagined by Leona Lewis and it is stunningly beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pIieK1KfA8

Public health notice: Drink responsibly people. These are the rules:

Buy your round

Be polite, especially to the staff. If you are in a bad mood, fuck off home. Nobody loves an angry drunk.

Get drunk and enjoy the ether.

These are simple rules, follow them.

I wanted to write more and even had a general theme for this post, but I’ve managed to forget what the fuck I was thinking about and I’m getting thirsty. So, I will endeavour to write more often, safe in the knowledge that only four people read this shite (that includes me) and hope that my slightly drunken wisdom makes you smile and my choice of tunes opens your mind.

In the words of James T:

JTK: Mr Scott?

Scotty: Aye Captain?

JTK: The doors Mr Scott! (Jim Morrison would love this shit)

Please note this doesn’t translate well to the written word. I can’t remember which movie it’s in (I think it’s Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock) so watch all of them just to be sure. The worst case scenario is you will have more JTK in your life and that can only be a good thing.

So, it’s pub o’clock. I’m gonna head out and hope that today I eat the bar and it fails to eat me. I fear I’m delusional, but hope is eternal. I leave you with a tune that is a perfect warmer upper to a day at the pub.

Sonique – Feels so good

Volume motherfuckers! This requires lots of it. If this tune fails to make you horny you need to visit a hospital immediately.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVzvdCKuu4w

Live long and prosper dudery chaps. And forget the title, this post really has fuck all to do with beer!

Inspiration

I’ve been trying to write this blog for a couple of years and it is, in a word, hard. I find it difficult to be inspired sometimes even though life throws the best and worst excuses at me. I hang out with a group of people that, if we were focused, could easily be a circus, but in the pub are entertaining, funny, intelligent and ultimately, pissed. They provide plenty of reasons to write and lots of subject matter, but I still find it difficult.

Grace Jones – Storm

This was rejected as a Bond them tune, no idea why cause its fucking awesome. Really loud and don’t think of Grace ripping your dick/tits/other bits off. I love rock music but a huge orchestra beats the fuck outta anything. Horns, strings, big drum thingys, conductory man. I can’t think of anything sexier than a bird playing (well) a violin or a cello.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4I74wxuRJE

Last night is a prime example of what I mean. I had two friends telling me to write this shit and I was taking the easy way out. Doing my hair/nails/garden, things, busy stuff, other things, units, bits, busier bits, shite, stuff, world peace and a world record breaking solution to the Rubik’s cube. Faster even than the Lego machine with a phone. And that’s pretty fucking rapid. Anyway, these were my reasons (excuses) and I believed them even if nobody else did.

The amazing part was that a good friend then broke through the bollocks. Not mine, the general bollocks of the evening, and inspired me! Holy fucking strawberries Batman! There it was. A gem of an idea. Inspiration for my next blog post.

It was like a fat man standing in line at Mc Donald’s trying to be inconspicuous. Ie, it wasn’t. I was smiling, the light seemed to be brighter, minstrels were frolicking on the lawn (there isn’t a lawn, but it was that fucking good) the world in general was a happy place to be. I felt like I could stroll into Gaza and say “Alright Paul, let’s go and make the world a better place”. Side bar: Yankees, please moog, football, Gascoigne, mental as fuck, to provide background for this pun.

Anyway, back to the story. So there I was, punching in Da Beers (best name for a pub ever! Don’t steal it) and I was finally inspired. I had a subject, plenty of joking matter to add to it, even had a couple of choice tunes to round it out. It was fucking perfect.

To celebrate this I decided that beer wasn’t enough and I’d kick it up a notch. Not velvet hammer time, but a pint of vodka seemed appropriate, deserved even, and it tasted like nectar. Side bar: Not Yankee specific, open to all, but does anybody actually know what nectar tastes like? I know bees love it, but for all we know it tastes like week old yak shit. Just sayin.

So back to the spiel. There I was, punchin in the beverages, smoking my brains out (remember kids, it ain’t cool), chatting to beautiful women, listening to a wicked band, in a pub I love. Life was sweet. Like nectar I presume.

Vanessa Mae

See! I fuckin told ya chicks with violins rock. And I told you Vivaldi rocks. When you gonna listen to me. (I know I shouldn’t start a sentence with the word “and”, but if it really bugs you get a life and then go forth and multiply)

I would Stradivarius the living daylights outta her!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGIYz3sY2RI

So I woke up this morning with a spring in my step. I was like “Yay, the world is good, I’m gonna write, and flowers are fuckin wicked”. Made some coffee (tasty shit) lit a smoke and sat down to write. Even the shitty r key wouldn’t stop me.

Unfortunately my brain stopped me. Specifically because I couldn’t remember the fucking inspiration! Doh! Like a big box of frogs, I had no fuckin clue what was going on. So you’ve just read all this shite to get to this part where I point out that it was all in folly. Cue South African accent (Joss Ackland): “Who is the dickhead now?”

So…… that’s basically it. I have no idea what I was supposed to write about, but I managed to write something. And (paying attention?) the tunes were wicked good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUxzoWdUGd0

I tried this time to include links to youtube so you could click and listen. No fucking clue if it’ll work, but we’ll know soon.

Final note. Why isn’t it called Moogtube?

To hench or not to hench

I’ve just thought about the greatest business opportunity ever! Strong words I know, but don’t worry I’m not looking for investment here. This is, without doubt, the single greatest idea in the history of business and my plan is to float it on an exchange ASAP and walk away with a gazillion. That’s a whole lot more than a billion, quite a bit more than a Brazilian, and a tad larger than an Argentinean. In short, it’s a shit load o’dough.

So,I hear you ask, what is this mind blowing, world changing idea? Well, its simplicity and audacity are the core values that will ensure its success. It is the world’s first and only university for henchmen!

Yup, you read that right. Henchman Uni! Now, ladies please don’t be upset, there will be places for ladies and we expect some of our greatest graduates to be of the fairer sex. However, the word is henchman, not henchwoman or even henchlady. This is the desired nomenclature, let’s not stand on ceremony or semantics here. If you hench well your gender is irrelevant. And that is exactly what we wish to promote.

Offspring - Self Esteem
What a bassline. It also seemed appropriate here!

I wanted to use a scientific approach, with graphs, charts and cold hard facts to explain the method behind my madness. However, I’m shit at science. My chemistry teacher dumped me because I’d be the first person ever to fail his class. This was not acceptable to him. Those of you that know me will understand that I only rely on science and logic in rare circumstances. Usually I use bullshit and gibberish, with a slight smattering of volume to make my point. When this fails (as it invariably does) I use more volume. Kinda like Americans. Probably too much TV when I was young

Side Note: Volume is the go-to tool of morons. When they are losing they raise their voice in the vain hope their argument will succeed based on who shouts loudest and not on facts. I am a moron. But I can shout very loud!

The marketing spiel will be something like this.

HenchUni.com © will be the singular place for those in the world that seek an exciting and fulfilling career being a slave to some over ego’d monkey clown with delusions of world domination. Those that wish to follow orders and never be their own master will delight in all that HenchUni © offers.

The core value of HU is to give henchers the ability to deal with that always annoying and never ending supply of Good Guy Hero Types (GGHT). From Bond…. James Bond to John Mc Clane, henchers have been embarrassed, humiliated, injured, laughed at, unlaid, poorly armed (actual guns and good script) and invariably in the end, deaded. Now is the time to seize your future.

HenchUni© is a name only (a good one, right?), it is not an actual university. It gives us credibility and also makes it difficult to sue us, while making you feel comfortable. HU courses are generally run over a 3-4 week rotation. We say “years” because it makes people feel better and after 3-4 “years” of training your imminent death, maiming or belittling doesn’t seem quite so humiliating and/or worthless.)

First year (or freshman year for you of the Yankee persuasion) will cover a variety of courses designed to give a solid foundation in basic henching. Those that qualify (survive) can continue their study in a wide variety of henctastic specialities afterwards.

Pete Townsend - Give Blood
Also seems appropriate and it's a wicked tune. Who? Exactly.

Year 1 includes some of the following courses:

Basic Shooting: Guns, what are they? How to hold a gun and aim it in the general direction of bad (good) guys.
Shooting at boxes, small animals and unidentified sounds. Repeatedly.

Knives: Differentiating between the pointy bit and the handle.
Slashing and stabbing.

Patrolling: Walking back and forth in a menacing way.
Looking: Why it’s important.

Year 2 includes:

Lines: (Oral) If you have a simple one, here’s how to get it right. (Physical) Don’t step on anything that looks like a line, it’ll probably kill you.

Sounds (interior & exterior): They are usually a precursor to death (invariably yours), do not investigate them.

Suits: Where can I get one that fits me? For ladies: Why is my costume so tight and/or impractical? Where will I hide my gun?

Psychology: Why is my boss such a mean person? When is a good time to offer a hug?

Years 3 & 4 offer more advanced techniques to ensure your survival until at least the third act and maybe even the finale. Gary Busey (Lethal Weapon), Darth Vader (Return of the Jedi) and Oddjob (Goldfinger) offer guest lectures to provide you with the in-depth knowledge of famous and revered henchers all of whom have reached the final ten minutes.

So, if you are a foreigner, or different in any way from what is considered normal, apply to HenchUni© today. People with strong, guttural accents are given preference, however, we can teach you how to speak in a strange way even if you speak perfect English. For those with no English skills a course is given in year one in Pidgin English just to make sure the bad (good) guy knows exactly what you’re saying and/or about to do.

Don’t delay, apply to HenchUni© today and increase your odds of surviving for at least seventy minutes.