The past & the future

Things I learned on my recent trip.

1. No matter how good life is, what you have accomplished or the current state of flux in the universe, your parents can still drive you from a 1 (perfect state of relaxtion / at peace with the world / all good in da hood / one with the force) to a 10 (Hitler / FUCK EVERYTHING) in less than a nano second. It’s usually an off the cuff remark that isn’t meant to drive you bonkers but somehow it still does.

Eg. I cooked my Dad a fry (to those of you that don’t know what this is: I don’t know why you’re here. Fuck off and find out, it’ll actually change your life. Those that know: a proper fry, it was awesome). Anyway, I asked him did he like the sausages (they were a new brand and pretty fuckin tasty in everyone else’s opinion) and his response was “They’re big”.

I understand you might be thinking, holy shit dude you’re getting all pissed off because over sausages. If you think this you are wrong. Sausages are important. Made of pigs aresholes and elbows they manage to take the truly shite (literally) and turn it into an orgasmatronic feast for the soul. Sausages are magic (I’ll tell you about my magic friend in a later post).

The point is, he could have just said Yes. But in a way only a parent can he made it an issue. When it comes to sausages bigger is better. He should have said “Holy fuck son, these are the best sausages I’ve ever had” but he didn’t. Side bar: He doesn’t say fuck. Never has and never will. It just sounds better that way and that’s how I’d say it. Secondly, you may believe I have issues with my Dad. I do, small ones. We all do, so let’s not get into that shit right now. That’s a book to be written, this is a blog).

Casino Royale (NOT the new one) – Herb Alpert

I told you before I like some weird shit and this is one of them. Don’t judge me, or Herb, he’s been beatin fanny away with his trumpet for about…. 77 fuckin years! Go Herb.

2. Renewable energy has been a major topic for years and will continue to be. Wind turbines, hydro electric dams and solar farms are all great ideas. (took me 4 goes to spell turbines right. Shoulda just right clicked it). These are the way of the future because fossil fuels are fucking up our world. Digging them up and burning them just isn’t a good long term plan. I agree totally.

However, the fundamental thinking behind a viable solution is flawed. All of the above are great but really expensive. The corporates don’t want a workable solution because that’d kill their bonuses (don’t get me wrong, I’m a capitalist through and through, but it’s always nice to throw a jab at some of these pricks).

I’ve known rivers - Courtney Pine (the remixed one)

Herb got me onto a vibe. I’m not a huge jazz fan (except Ron Burgundy’s jazz flute) but this guy is a wizard. I bought this album by accident and loved it.

Anyway, the future of power is simple. My mate (Frodo or Bilbo, can’t remember now and too lazy to look it up) has a son that makes nuclear power look absolutely pussy tastic. Compared to this almost 2 year old a H bomb is like a fart in a hurricane. This kid (a very cool kid by the way) killed 72 energizer bunnies over the weekend. While he was sleeping!.

So the future energy requirements of Earth can easily be taken care of by kids. How? I hear you ask. Simple really. From 2-3 years of age they are attached (harnessed or shackled maybe) to a system that absorbs their energy, stimulates their mind and wandering limbs without allowing them to wreck anything.

Now don’t get on your high horse here (I have a gun, it’s a Colt .65 Horse Destroyer) this is a great solution and everybody wins. Think about it.

You already feed this machine and pay to do so. You can choose not to, but that’s called abuse so you feed it. There is no extra cost, you already pay this.

The energy source is unlimited. Fact.

The money saved can buy stimulating toys to help develop your child’s mind and physical abilities. Or beer.

The pollution is already there but it’s biodegradable. You are now a green person or as Clarkson calls them, an ecomentalist. Instead of throwing it in the bin wrapped in a Pampers you could grow a great garden. I’d steer clear of a vegetable patch for many, many reasons.

The more kids you have the more power you have. Sell it back to the grid and make money.

Firework - Katy Perry

I don’t care what you think. Make it loud and you’ll smile.

Solo just lick attacked me. Don’t get weird, he’s my dog (you’d know that if you’ve been here from the start!).

There are other many reasons but I’m too lazy and beginning to sober up. The best part is “Hey baby, wanna make a PowerStation”. That’s almost as good a chat up line as………

Hello again

I’m back! Sounds very dramatic, like an actor that’s been on hiatus or a deity after a fortnight in the Costa Del Sol, but in reality its just me and the intermittent r key.

Its been a while, too long in reality and I should do this more but sometimes I find it hard to write even though life provides plenty of ….. I can’t even think of the word for it right now. Seriously I can’t think of the word. I write this and still can’t thinlk of it. Moment please, I need to find this word, light a smoke and find a viable tune. Maybe then it’ll start to flow in the right way.

Goyte – Somebody I used to know

The original is beguiling. In the video Kimbra does this maneuver that is stunningly seductive. Feline in nature, it’s better than a lot of porn I’ve seen. Ladies learn from this. Gents, get ready with the rewind button. It’s a thing of stunning beauty musically and visually.

Ammunition! It’s not the right word but still viable. I still can’t think of the word.

So I just came back from Ireland and it was a wicked trip. I spoke to a friend who said “write more” in a loud, angry and correct voice. He was, and remains, right. I should write more and this trip has provided the impetus to do so. So I shall. This is what’s known in the business as a “shitty filler piece cause I have nothing better to say but I needed to write something but bear with me and I’ll get back to you soon”. Well I believe that’s the technical term.

All I need to do now is remember the fucking log in details and we’re rockin. (Side bar: If you are reading this I’ve obviously remembered the login details so please don’t fret about the above statement. It was meant only in a slightly comedic way and also frankly to fill space. The good news is that this means I can post more shit very soon.)

More to come soon peeps.