Smoking

A subject I can definitely talk shite about. Do you remember Death cigarettes? Black packet with a white skull and crossbones on it. How awesome was that shit. Death Lights were in a white pack. They actually said on the pack that if used in the correct manner this product will kill you. Marketing genius.

Yes, if used properly, cigarettes will kill you. So don’t smoke kids, it’s some bad shit. Unless of course you have bad skin, buck teeth, zero confidence and no friends. Basically, if you’re a teenager, smoking opens doors. If you have smokes, you have friends. And it automatically adds 3 points to your coolness. I know it’s shitty. I don’t make the rules, that’s just the way it is. Cool people smoke.

In reality, smoking is a crutch that insecure people hold on to. I can say that because I smoke. My initial crutch is now replaced by an insatiable addiction to nicotine. I don’t mean I smoke a few. I smoke! Far too much, I know, but it makes me cool.

“Bat Outta Hell” Meatloaf

I don’t care what you think and I know it’s maybe a cliché. However, your opinion is wrong. This ain’t a conversation, it’s my rant, a one way street, so listen to what I’m saying. This is a cool song from a cool album. So go listen to it and enjoy.

Non smokers are just a different breed of people. They will never understand what smokers experience. To be fair I can understand that people don’t want smoke in their faces when enjoying a nice steak. I don’t want it either. But persecuting smokers to the point of being social lepers is wrong also. Ban cigarettes! Make them illegal and that’ll force people to quit or at least smoke in secret. Unfortunately it’ll add to the cool factor but at least the non smokers will be happy.

But that will never happen. Because smoking fuels the economy! Your government is happy to tax a product that will kill you. Why? Because it’s a shit load of bread. Add to that the fact that you probably won’t be sucking the tit of the government in later life because you’ll be long dead. Pretty fucking simple.

Anyway, non smokers aren’t the worst. Reformed smokers are just horrible cunts. Not all of them, but a lot. Some ex smokers will always understand the craving, they themselves will crave just a drag. But they know one drag leads to two, two leads to a smoke and a smoke leads to a pack. Pretty soon they’re off the wagon and puffing away like old times.

I feel for these people. They struggle with an addiction but persevere through willpower because they know it’ll kill them. It’s tough but at least they still remember what it was like.

No, the people I hate are the reformed smokers that throw it in your face. The fuckers that sit there, on their high horse, reciting stats and somehow thinking they are better people. Fucking cunts. They suddenly forget that they used to smoke and enjoyed it immensely. Now they feel they are better people, whereas in reality they are sad wankers.

Don’t get me wrong. I salute anyone that gives up smoking, especially if they were heavy/long term users. I respect them for beating an addiction, because it takes strength of will and commitment. What I don’t like is useless fuckers that stay off smokes by pretending they are better than those that continue. I smoke more around people like this just to fucking annoy them.

Remember, smoking adds +3 to your cool factor. Giving up loses you 1 point. You retain 2 points for originally being cooler and then having the balls to give up. Whining like a bitch is an automatic loss of 5 cool points and you don’t retain the 2 like cool ex smokers.

A Note for ex smokers on social class restructuring.

A loss of 7 cool points can lead to a complete change in social class. You could go from “marginally cool/regular person” to “whining fucking bitch that needs a slap” in a few short moments. If you’re a girl your chances of getting laid drop dramatically. If you’re a guy make sure your health insurance card is up to date. I don’t believe in fortune telling but I foresee a trip to A&E (ER to you Yankees) in your near future. Remember this sage advice before embarking on a tirade of shite.