Heroes

The series was OK, season 1 was interesting but season 2 kinda lost it a bit. Anyway, not the series, actual heroes. This might go on for a bit so we’ll break it down into parts.

Part 1. Question asked in the pub last night. “If you needed a bodyguard (let’s not get into why) and you could choose a fictional character, who would it be”. Brilliant pub question but I already knew the answer. It’s pretty simple really. Most people will go with an off the cuff answer like Batman or Superman but they would be shitty bodyguards.

Superman will protect you but he’s a ruggedly handsome dude and he can fly. That means you’re leaving the club alone while flyboy gets his nuts off. Not a good plan.

Batman’s got a wicked car but his alter ego is a handsome billionaire. You are back to jerking off.

The blue dude (too lazy to look up his name) from Watchmen? He’s got serious power but he’s a naked, blue, glowing dude. Not exactly low profile.

Spiderman? He’s a geeky photographer in a crappy suit, but he’s still cooler than you or me. Again it’s welcome to Pamela and her five sisters.

I’m open to suggestions but I believe I’ve got the answer. Obi Wan Kenobi. Not the young good looking Scottish dude. No, No, the old bearded guy from the original Star Wars. He fits the bill perfectly. Yes, I hear you, “but what about the robes?”. Bin the fuckin robes, get him some Levi’s and a shirt and you’re rockin.

Why is he the dude? Pretty simple.

Low profile. He’s a regular man. Doesn’t glow and doesn’t need a silly suit. That’s good.

He’s an old dude with a beard. Fuckers will think he’s your dad and dudes that rock with their pop are cool.

He’s old and wrinkly. Little to no competition when it comes to birds. Unless they’re into that shit, in which case you’re already shit outta luck.

He can beat the shit outta anybody. Imagine the scene, we’ve all been here. You bump into a dude, spill his beer and offer all sorts of apologies. Said dude is a moron and decides it’s punchin time. All hell breaks loose. Now imagine Obi Wan is with you. He could just throw him across the room with a wave of his hand. Or choke him out like a bitch. No. It’s better than that. Dumbass gets his arm chopped off with a fuckin lightsabre!

Please allow me to clarify this point. A lightsabre. The word itself is cool, but it’s actually a laser sword. It doesn’t get much more awesome than that. A fucking laser sword! It’s old school gentleman meets super high tech geek shit. I love guns and weapons in general, morning stars are particularly brilliant, but a lightsabre is pretty hard to beat.

Jedi mind trick. Not only is it the name of a wicked band, but it’s your bog standard jedi party piece. Hard to explain in words so tube it. But the uses of this are almost limitless. Free beer / food / pussy / anything you want. Speeding tickets are a thing of the past. I could go on about this for ages but I’ll leave it to your imagination.

So, I think it’s fair to say Obi Wan (old guy) is a good contender for the “best fictional bodyguard if you required one” category. I await your responses. Somebody suggested Lara Croft last night. Yes, she is capable of defending herself and you and she’s very hot. But you’re never gonna get into her pants. Unless……. You have Obi Wan with you! Boomshackalackaboom.