Along time ago.....

If you haven’t seen Star Wars you’re either

Exceptionally young, in which case you shouldn’t be reading this.

Blind. Bummer dude, it’s awesome.

A time traveler. It’ll be shit for you cause you can travel through time.

An alien. You’re probably in Star Wars!

Just plain stupid. How you got this far astounds me.

Anyway, Star Wars is awesome. I know George Lucas sold his soul to the devil in return for merchandising. He invented Jar Jar Binks (cunt) and the ewoks. Geroge, personal note to you. You could have been a god but the almighty dollar stole your mojo. You are a dumbass.

The original trilogy (parts 4, 5 & 6) are the shit. The new ones have great special effects but the story is lacking and shitty characters are introduced to sell more Happy Meals.

It’s so simple. Farm boy (Luke) lives with aunt and uncle. Dreams of big things. Acquires 2 droids. One has a mission, find old geezer. He finds old geezer, must make inter galactic trip to save a princess. Old geezer is Jedi knight. Teaches Luke some shit. Find largest ever battle station (Death Star). Escape certain death. Rescue princess. Escape dramatically. Old geezer dies. Go back and destroy Death Star. Get medals, cue the theme music.

Sounds good right? It is good, but imagine it from Luke’s perspective.

1. You’re a farmer.
2. You live on a desert planet with 2 suns. Must be pretty fucking hot.
3. Save hot Princess, but can’t fuck her cause she’s your sister.
4. Your best mate shags her instead.
5. Best mate is more handsome / funnier / much cooler than you. And he has the fastest ship in the galaxy.
6. His best mate is a 7 foot tall hairy dude that could kill you in an instant.
7. Dad is second most evil guy in the universe. He works for the most evil guy.

Not looking so good from Luke’s point of view. But then it gets worse.

1. Little green dude steals his sausage.
2. Dad cuts off his hand.
3. Becomes a Jedi knight (super cool) and gets the shittest hair cut in the galaxy! What’s that shit about. A super awesome Jedi dude with mega powers and this twat can’t find a barber.
4. Dad dies in his arms but says sorry first, so is forgiven for killing billions of people. Yes, billions, remember Alderaan?

Reality actually follows the movie. Han Solo (cool and funny rogue that shags Luke’s sister) is played by Harrison Ford. He becomes the largest box office grossing actor of the eighties, is also known as Indiana Jones and is still making movies.

Luke Skywalker is played by Mark Hamill. Ever heard of him?