The return of Bilbo and Frodo

On another occasion Bilbo and Frodo came to see me in Prague. We’re sitting in the pub with me, my boss (Pierce) and a bunch of salesmen. All of these guys are arguing over who is the best without actually getting anywhere. It goes on and on and frankly we’re getting bored.

Pierce turns to Frodo:

Pierce: So what do you do?

Frodo: I’m a scientist.

Pierce: Are you any good?

Frodo: I’m OK

Pierce: I asked you a fucking question. Are you any good?

Frodo: Well, there are five, possibly six people in the world better than me.

Pierce (stunned): Well…. That’s pretty fuckin good!

End of conversation. Fifteen salesmen sitting there, with their tails between their legs. Good work Frodo.

U2 - Beautiful day

It just makes you feel really good. Me and Bilbo met Bono one night. Bilbo’s brother Nougat asked later “what did you say to him?” Bilbo replied “Hey Bono, pass me my jacket”

On another occasion me and Bilbo go out for a few bevvys and then hit a club. We’re not into clubbing but the pub was closed so it was the only beer option available. So there we are settling into our drinks, trying to find some hot fanny and failing miserably. Next thing we know my ex is there with her new beau. This wasn’t a huge problem, we exchanged glances and everyone went about their business. Except for one of new beau’s mates. He decided he was a hard man and it was time for me to get a slap.

Children! Fighting is bad. Only silly boys fight and it really is a childish thing to do. However, sometimes these things happen so here is my advice in three handy steps.

Talk. Try to talk it out. If that means swallowing your pride as opposed to his fist then eat that shit up. Pride tastes a whole lot better than a knuckle sandwich.

Walk. If the talking didn’t work then walk away. Be aware, some twats will try to hit you as you leave so back up then walk away. Walking may turn into running. Some might suggest this is a pussy maneuver, but they are full of shit. I’ve run from fights because I feared for my life and didn’t want the ever loving shit beat outta me. They don’t run in movies because they have a script. Life doesn’t have a script, so if it’s run o’clock, lace up your Nike’s and get the fuck outta Dodge.

Fight. This is the very last option and shouldn’t be engaged in lightly. Sadly these days there is no honour so if you’re in a pub brawl expect bottles, glasses and odds of 3 against 1. I was bottled by a guy recently and it wasn’t fun. It was more fun for me than him though. Silly Englishman. The worst part is that even if you win the cops will probably show up and you’re back in the shit. We should bring back dueling, that’d be fucking wicked.

There is a good chance you’ll get throttled, but if you’ve followed my drinking mantra you won’t feel too bad until the morning.

Back to the story. This dude now wants to kick six colours of shit outta me. Needless to say, I’m not really into that plan so we have reached an impasse. In steps Bilbo, buys this dude a beer and gives him an eager ear to listen to his woes. Bilbo suggests I get a cab so I exit and head home. Being in the state I am I, head back to Bilbo’s to see who’s there, have a few more beers and pass out on the sofa.

I wake up in the early a.m., grab a coke and a smoke and turn on the box. Ten minutes later Bilbo stumbles in the door looking like a piece of shit. He looks at me and giggles, I giggle and then we break down into a laughing fit for ten minutes. He proceeds to tell me that the dickhead in the club just wanted to kill me. Bilbo disagreed with this so challenged said dickhead’s manhood through his drinking ability. They went back to the dude’s friends house and proceeded to prove their manliness.

Bilbo tried the whisky route but dickhead was still talking about killing me. Left with little in the way of options, Bilbo kicked it up a notch and opened a bottle of Tequila. When the bottle was dry dickhead was unconscious, upside down in a chair and Bilbo got a cab. Good work Bilbo.

That’s not the only time Bilbo has bailed me out of a scrap. Those of you that know me understand I have an opinion on everything. I’m always right, especially when I’m drinking.

Green Day – Are we the waiting

I saw these guys in Bangkok and they were fucking awesome. A wall of sound but it wasn’t noise. This was my son’s first concert and the mosh pit scared him shitless. He’s a fairly solid young lad so he looked at me and I said wade in buddy. He didn’t like that plan so I waded in. I realized the next morning that I’m far too old for shit like that. I was hurting badly.