My mates

Rather large last night, many beers, a few rounds of shooters finished off with pints of vodka. Liver ain’t happy, but I’m currently interviewing for a new one so I’ll have the last laugh there.

The 2 Live Crew – Banned in the USA

The first group to be banned in the US. These guys can’t sing, can’t play and they are complete idiots. But this tune has a wicked beat. You’ve never heard of them but you know the tune “Oh me so horny”. That’s them.

I have a couple of great friends in Ireland (and they only cost $10 a month!) that are, for want of a better word, lunatics. These guys are intelligent, hard working people with families, but the reason I love them is because they are pissheads. These guys can give the Oxford debate team a run for their money, but only when they’re hammered. My relationship with them is kinda like a Tarantino movie. I’m not always sure where it’s going, the dialogue is unique, but I always walk away feeling good and questioning life and the universe.

Now, that shit might sound a bit sappy but allow me to explain. What follows are a few examples of discussions / adventures / arguments that we have been party to. It probably doesn’t need to be explained, but for the record these all happened while consuming beverage. To protect the guilty I’ve changed their names to Bilbo and Frodo, but mainly I changed them because it’ll annoy the shit outta them. Revenge is a dish best served cold, fuckers!

Some of these take place around Mrs Mc’s kitchen table. You don’t know her but she’s a legend, a second mother to me. It must be noted that like all Irish mothers Mrs Mc is part chef, nurse, psychiatrist and ninja. She can beat the shit outta anybody but will dress the wounds, prove to them it was their own fault and make them a cup of tea.

So we’re sitting around the table one day and the subject turns to traffic. A suggested solution to bad drivers, offered by Bilbo, is incendiary ferrets. Yes, you read that right. Incendiary ferrets.

Stripped _ Depeche Mode

The original kings of synth pop, theses guys actually became rock stars. This is one of a number of wicked tracks from them. Make it loud.

The premise is very simple. Every car is fitted with a wheel mounted Ferret (Incendiary Mk IV) Launching System©. Each vehicle also has a touchscreen voting system, kinda like a GPS unit. The system displays nearby vehicles that may have committed a traffic violation and/or been just rude fuckers. You may then choose to vote for that vehicle. Once a vehicle has committed a number of offences the FLS© engages. I can’t remember the number we agreed on, but I know it was a variable, so some days 6 offences might be OK but on others it’d be 3. That keeps fuckers on their toes.

Once the FLS© is engaged it fires a flaming ferret (napalm covered, I believe) into the face of the offending driver. Now, the prudent and anal amongst you will have a number of problems with this idea. Fuck right off! It isn’t meant to be a proper solution to traffic management. I mean, think about it logically, how would the ferret survive for months inside the steering wheel?

The nasty people out there will think, “Why don’t I just vote for everybody?” And to be fair that was my first question. However, the system only allows votes for actual offenders and if you vote every time it’s offered your FLS© will eventually fire on you.

So maybe now you understand the caliber of my friends. They’re fuckin nuts.