Powerful it is. Everywhere it is. Surrounds us it does. Now that is some serious Jedi style shit but it’s all true. The web surrounds us, encompasses us and today it is a huge part of all our lives. There is only one person I know that has never used the web to find porn because he has never used the web. Mind boggling I know, but he still has voice activated email, so technically he’s a step ahead of the rest of us. I call him techno man. His email is sentient. The beginnings of Skynet? I don’t think so and I really hope not, but that is a discussion for another day.
Eric B. & Rakim - Paid in Full
Old school brilliance.
Jay Z – Roc Boys
New school wickedness
The net. It’s very powerful. In a world where permits and licenses are required for almost everything, TV’s and cars included, we give free access to the most powerful thing possible. We have to fill in forms to enter a country, get a license to drive a car, give a complete family history to get health insurance but jump on a computer and you have the net at you fingertips. I think that’s folly and the governments of the world should police it like they do to everything else that’s fun.
Fuck PIPA and SOPA, they are ridiculous, shot sighted and proof that politicians are fucking useless. But we all know that. Again, a discussion for another day.
I propose a testing system to get net access. In a society that requires beer to have a warning not to operate heavy machinery, this seems like a sensible option. Think about it, the answers will appear on the net and go viral and the tool that fails won’t even get to see them.
It’ll be a simple test. Multiple choice followed by an essay with weighted answers.
Questions like “Do you love cats and videos about them?”
A) yes, I looooooove them (-100)
B) sometimes they are funny (-25)
C) not really (0)
D) I’m a dog person (+25)
Before you cat people get on my case, I’m a dog man, fuck off, start your own blog.
Another question would be:
“Are you a fuckin eejit?” Now most of you will know the answer to this one, but you’d be amazed how many people would fail and it’s an immediate loss of all net privileges. If someone can’t answer this one then they have no business being on the web.
“Do you believe all your Facebook friends are real friends?”
A) Yes (-100)
B) No (0)
C) What the fuck is Facebook? (+100)
“Are you from Nigeria
A) yes (immediate fail, never allowed to take the test again)
B) No (sub question, “Will you pretend to be from Nigeria
C) Where is Nigeria
D) What’s Nigeria
“In a chat room with “Fairy Princess 22” and “she” asks to meet you at the mall. Do you:
A) meet “her” (-100)
B) agree to meet and then stand her up (-25, said Princess is a 46 year old man with disposable income and no life, you are at a disadvantage)
C) tell you mom or dad (+25) smart move
D) Get FP22’s email, home address, phone number and photo then post all these details to hacker forums (+100)
Jovanotti – L’ombelico del
It’s in Italian! (If you get this joke, you’re giggling now. If you don’t, I’m sorry, please keep reading in a somber manner). Anyway, this is some seriously happy shit. Make it loud and start dancing.
This is the general gist of it. In reality it’s never going to happen, I know that (because I know everything! I have the net) but it’s a lighter look at how a powerful tool can get into the hands of morons. I just googled ‘powerful tool’. Childish but I had to. Fnar Fnar.
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