Pranking

This is not the Asian version of planking because we all know that’s a thing of the past. No, this is the art of playing pranks on your friends, associates or random twats you meet. A good prank is a thing of beauty and as my mate John Keats said “A thing of beauty is a joy forever”. A smart man was Mr. Keats. Anyway, a good prank should be fun for all involved and nobody should get hurt, physically or emotionally. If in doubt don’t cross that line, friendships have been destroyed and wars started over bad pranks. Well, the friends part is true, I don’t think shooting Archduke Ferdinand was a prank.

Living Colour - Middle Man

Not a very well known band, but they make awesome tunes

I shall relate two awesome pranking incidents to you because both are fucking funny, simple in their execution but beautiful in their result.

The first took place in the pub on a random Friday night. My mate Damen (behave Damen, he’s a Scouser) joined us for a few libations and while using the facilities left his phone on the table. Silly Damen. So after relieving himself Damen returns to the table and engages me in conversation. I can’t remember the exact content but being Friday, with many beers on board, I’m sure we were solving the worlds problems and Ban Ki Moon was about to call with another.

Five minutes into the chat Damen’s phone does the “deet deet” of incoming SMS and he checks it. He looks perplexed, excuses himself from the table and disappears for 15 minutes. When he returns he asks to borrow me for a minute, pulls me aside and shows me the message.

The sender is Royal Thai Police and the body of text goes something like “Last name, Damen, D.O.B. English #443-098 Caucasian, 39## Liverpool, Bangkok, 55^*# Detain” I look at him and say What’s this about? He replies I don’t fuckin know, I thought you could help me. At this stage it took everything I had not to laugh. I looked him dead in the eye and said Shit man, I have no idea.

Now some of you will think, what a prick. But, this was a prank and he had taken the bait so I waited. He then proceeded to tell me he’d spoken to his P.A., she had called the cops to find out more, then called his firm’s lawyer to get his advice. At this stage I thought I should clue him in so I looked at him and smiled. It took a few seconds to dawn on him, he smiled, said “You’re a cunt” and then broke his arse laughing. I cracked up too, gave him a hug and apologized.

I have to admit that when he mentioned his P.A. and the lawyer I thought, “Shit, this is going all wrong” but he took it well. After recovering and calling the assistant to clear it up (luckily I’ve never met her because I think she’d kill me) he complimented me on the best prank he’d ever been party too and asked how I’d done it. The answer is brilliantly simple, if I say so myself.

When he went for a piss I changed my name in his phone to Royal Thai Police. I then typed the message on my phone to send to him and waited. When he returned I engaged in chat and after the necessary 5 mins hit the send button. He gets the message, never suspects me because we’ve been chatting and the rest is history.

I’ve used this one since then and it went down a treat. The guy actually called the number (mine) and I answered in my best Thai accent. The best part was that I was in front of the pub and he was out back and I could see his face as he called me. He nearly shit himself.

Afro Celt Sound System - Release

Wicked name for a band that mixes Irish pipes with Afro beats. This one features Sinead O'Connor and she can sing properly good. I met her 20 odd years ago and was struck dumb by her beauty. It's not often I'm stuck for words as you well know.

This prank is easily executed and the results are funny. However, it works best on people that have something to worry about, especially your cocky mate that thinks his shit doesn’t stink. Trying this on your mate that never puts a foot wrong may work, but doing it to a guy with 7 parking tickets or a penchant for public nudity is guaranteed to get his starfish twitching.

If your friend knows your number well you can be found out immediately. Smartphones complicate things but can add new dimensions. If they have a smartphone with your pic attached to your number then attempting this is pointless. Unless you have the balls (and time) to download and attach the FBI / IRS / Scotland Yard logo instead of your mug. A link to the relevant website is beautiful icing. Adding GPS co-ordinates, which they can check, showing your current location doubles the sphincter factor.

Next installment details another beautiful prank that lasted a week.