Cars

Johnny Cash! What a legend. Problems with drugs, serious relationship issues and a voice that God would use. I love this dude. Choose from a number of tunes, they’re all pretty good.

So, I’m a car man. I love them. I don’t mean in the regular guy way of cars are cool, I’m a guy so I like cars. No, I mean I’ve actually jerked off to beautiful cars. Bashed one out, tugged it off, grabbed the blue vein cheese gun and made a cake. I love cars!

Some people will think that’s a bit weird and I can understand their point of view. Somewhat. I love cars because for me it’s a marriage of engineering and styling. These things have no place being together, kinda like Bill Gates and Kiera Knightly.

The engineering part is taking lumps of metal, shaping them and fitting them together in the right way to make horsepower. Even that part is cool. Let’s take a bunch of metal and make lots of horses out of it. You engineering dudes are funny cunts.

The styling part is completely alien to this. Think of a weird little man, maybe with glasses, that loves handbags. I know I’ve offended some people by that comment, but my intention is only to promote debate, not instill riots. I have lots of gay friends and they are shitty engineers. But they make shit look good.

The great cars through the ages have nailed one or both of these things. Some are the kinda cute neighbour girl with big tits. These are muscle cars. Not usually great to look at, but you’ll always have a second glance and if you get a chance you’ll drive the shit out of it. The Ford Mustang.

Italians have always had the car thing right. They almost invariably look beautiful but they’re temperamental as fuck. This is the foreign exchange student. You want your friends to see you with her, but in reality you have no idea what makes her work. Any Italian beast, but choose the Ferrari Daytona.

Then you have the Japs. Their cars are like a maid on speed that works 22 hours a day. You never see her but the place is always fucking clean! Nobody knows how they do it but they do it very, very well. Efficient, cheap and it works all the time. Once in a while they produce the Indonesian style maid. 21 years old with a body for sin that insists on getting it in the ass! That’s the Nissan GTR. It’s rare, but a beautiful thing.

The English deserve a mention. Their car industry is now a thing of the past but they have given us (and continue to do so) some gems along the way. Aston Martin and Lotus are two of the greats. These are the girl that you meet at a family gathering, a boring do that you have to attend. She’s the daughter of a Lord or some shit, nice dress and hair in a braid. Stand offish and snooty. But then you get her in the barn and realize she has her own toolbox and knows more than you. Boomshackalacka.

The debate about the most beautiful car will rage on forever. Everyone has their own choice and all are right in some way. Who’s the most beautiful woman in the world? We all have our own answer and that’s a question we’ll definitely get back to in the future. But cars are the same. They have a distinct personality and we all have out favourites.

However the greatest name for a car is easily answerable and if you disagree then you’re a useless twat and you’re wrong. It is the Jensen Interceptor. Yep. Interceptor! The fucking coolest name ever put on a car. If you don’t believe me then you’re wrong. I love this car because it’s a luxobarge with four seats, leather everywhere and a 7 litre motor. But the name is what gives me a semi. Jensen Interceptor. Say it again. Let it roll around your mouth like a fine wine. Jen sen In ter cep tor. Sorry, full hard on achieved, it’s porn time. Later.