Wednesday 1 August 2012

Engage


If you’ve been reading this you’ll know I’m a huge Star Wars fan. Weirdly, I’m also a big Star Trek fan. Yes, I know it’s weird, I just said that. Get fucking used to it dummy, I’m weird. If you didn’t already know that you have issues. Weirdness = me. Good, now we’ve got that straight read on.

Engage

Nope, not the ring type, I’m talking proper shit here. StarTrek. Specifically Jean-Luc Picard and his well known catchphrase. He delivered it in a powerful, commanding and ultimately beautiful way. If you can’t remember it (why?) then tube it. “Engage”. It gives me a semi just thinking about it. JLP was a legend amongst men and when he spoke, fuckers listened.

Why? Well, besides the manly voice, Rykers beard, Dr. Crushers awesome gingerness and Geordie’s (Wi aye man) visor, it was because he was captain of the Enterprise. The universe feared this man because of the ship he ran. And rightly they should, it’s an awesome vessel that usually wins whatever shit it’s in. The crew are a United Nations style bunch of duders and dudettes that outfox, outclass, and in that all American way, out cheese the bad guys.

Icecube – You can do it
Originally with NWA, this guy has some wicked tunes. Can’t really act though.

But that’s all bollox. They fear JLP and his UN crew because they drive Jim’s car. (Side bar: Nobody is afraid of Jim Gordon, but put him in the Tumbler and bad guys shit their pants.) People fear the Next Gen guys because of The Gen, the ones that started it all. The following phrase should never be uttered within earshot of Klingons (Shakespeare is better in Klingon) or Romulans, it may well start an intergalactic war.


James Tiberius Kirk


The name gets extra space because it deserves it. While “Engage” gives me a semi, the name above gives me full wood. No, I’m not embarrassed about that. My mate Elvis recently posted a pic on FB of Jim topless and I lost my goo in a millicenton (I know it’s a different show, just keeping you on your toes).

Apparently the mission was “to boldly go where no man had gone before”, but Jim didn’t listen to that Starfleet shite. Jim went where other men had been before, specifically into their women (PIPE?) and didn’t give a fuck what Starfleet, the Klingons, Romulans, the past, the future, God, Q or any other cunt thought. Jimbo had 2 basic rules. If it tries to kill me, I’ll kill it. If it’s female, I’ll fuck it (especially if it’s an exotic colour, green or blue preferably).

So why is Jim so awesome? If you really are asking this question then you’re a monkey clown. Idiot, moron, dumbass. Choose any suitable put down because you should be. This is James T we’re talking about here. This man is so awesome other men fear his name alone. Women aren’t allowed to watch Star Trek movies for fear they will never again be attracted to the measly excuse for a human that bought their ticket. Galaxies fear this man.

I will now commit an offence that for some of you will be unforgivable, but this is my blog, so I’m gonna do it anyway. If JTK went to the Star Wars universe there would only have been one movie. The plot would be: kill sandmen, kill stormtroopers, find princess, fuck her, twice, destroy deathstar.

Who are the only people that can beat up Jimbo? Two guys in the whole universe. Spock (pointy eared bastard) and himself! Spock is cool. (Forget Leonard Nimoy’s Ballad of Bilbo Baggins. But tube it, it’s some seriously bad shit).  Spock is a cool dude and him and Jim are friends because Spock sorts out all the problems and Jim shags the chicks. It’s a partnership made in heaven (or Hollywood).

The amazing thing about Star Trek is the cultural impact it’s had. The first incarnation was only 3 seasons but it broke barriers that today we, as younglings, probably don’t really comprehend. It had the first interracial kiss ever broadcast on tv, when Kirk smooched Uhura. Apparently he didn’t get the memo about don’t screw the crew. Or maybe he did and just didn’t give a fuck.

Side bar: Why was Uhura black? Because William Shatner.

The original series spawned many offshoots, the Next Gen being the huge hit it was paved the way for DS9 and others. The movies have been numerous, ten plus, and apparently the curse of even and odd has been broken. For those of you that don’t know (heathens!) the odd numbered movies were shite and even numbered ones were good. 2: Wrath of Khan was considered the best, with 4 and 6 close behind. But the new one has changed things.

The new Star Trek is wicked. It’s changed perceptions of ST being a super nerdatron geek thingy, to being space based action with good characters. The new Kirk and spock were brilliantly cast and they’ve relaunched the franchise in a great way. Unusually in this one, Kirk only bangs one chick, but she’s green, so way to go Jim. Spock is dicking Uhura (super hot!) and Bones is still an annoying twat. I’m really looking forward to the next one.

Now some of you will be thinking, wait a minute, Picard was better than Kirk, but you’d be wrong. Picard was great in his own way, but he ain’t no JTK. You may wanna push the point but you’d still be wrong. I will forever end this with a simple fact. Jimbo never called Picard for help and Jean-Luc never traveled through time to help Jim. Why? Because Jim doesn’t need help. Ever.

Live long and prosper dudes and lock up your green chicks.


6 comments:

  1. Why can't I read this without using an Irish accent??
    I've tried. It's impossible. JTK wasn't Irish, neither was Spock or the other aforementioned heroes, bad/good guys and chicks.
    I'll try again. Didn't work. Dammit, does that mean I'm becoming Irish simply because I absorb the innane ramblings (funny and accurate though they might be) of an Irishman?
    I shall endeavour to read them in a more English accent later....maybe with a bit of Italian or French thrown in, and see how that works for me. That appeals...so I shall try it now.
    Keep blogging lazy man....love to read them.

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  2. Well..I duly visited youtube to watch Bilbo Baggins, what to say??
    I will never view Spock in the same way ever again.
    Seriously funny, seriously bad, can't stop smiling....and will now watch it again.

    Best/worst thing Ive seen at 4.30a.m (correction 4.54a.m)for a while.

    Hmmm, guess that means Ive led a sheltered life....there have been worse things, haha,
    but not for a while.

    Keep blogging.
    There's lots of 2013 left, fill it up.

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  3. Marilyn,

    Thanks so much for all the feedback. It's very encouraging and prompts me to write more. I'll try to get another piece up this week and each week thereafter.

    Thanks again and keep reading

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  4. Good.

    You have hidden talents Wubble.
    It would indeed be wonderful if you could get a piece up each week.....so to speak........do your best.

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  5. Addendum

    Are you aware to refer to JTK as Jim and especially Jimbo, assumes a closeness you may be seeking with him...a friendship, a mateship, or simply is a sign of the awe-ness (?) in which you hold him.
    Just a thought, a minor observation.

    semi
    full wood
    the mind boggles.

    you're a worry

    ReplyDelete